--- Sunday, February 3, 2002  (aka The Day After) ---
--- MEMO FROM THE DESK OF ZOLTAN THE AVENGER ---
------ (technically Z-monster's strawberry iMac): ------

Just when I thought I was finally starting to break my unnatural & unhealthy
late-night Last Exit habit...

...a Zoltan-The-Avenger imposter (yes, imposter, dammit!!!) comes along and
ruins everything!

As a result of the previous weekend's despicable mockage of my undeniable
greatness, I was forced to -- yet again -- defend my superhero honor last
night (in the name of all that is denim, i.e., cool).  I foolishly assumed
that this would be another one of those regular, routine Avengement visits.
Weh-heh-hell, I got a lot more than I bargained for... A HAT-LOAD MORE!!!

I can't decide what disturbs me more -- the atrocities themselves, or my
deep and sickening suspicion that there exists ample videocamera footage of
the brutal mayhem (there always seems to be a camera conveniently available
when it's ME who's being attacked! (...a camera, by the way, which was being
operated by a rather inappropriately gleeful Foul Mouth Girl)).

So, not only am I now virtually guaranteed to be forced to relive (no doubt
repeatedly) the suffering and humiliation of last night, but the entire
world will now be afforded puh-lenty of opportunity to share in my torment
(...and by "sharing" I mean, of course, laughing their asses off at my
expense...).

I'm at a loss to come up with an explanation for why Vern, the Horrifically
Horny Mopkin, decided that he was simply so in lust with my
formerly-almighty Fuzzy Hat of Avengement that he absolutely HAD to have sex
with it...... really, really scary sex...

One might be tempted to chalk it up to some sort of species-specific
Mopkinal hormone burst, perhaps triggered by a very unfortunately-timed bout
with puppet puberty...

But, then how would one explain his previous impregnation of the Evil
Quaker's wife??

No, the Lust Fairy had obviously paid a visit to this depraved lint-bag long
before his recent sexcapade upon my head.

Is there some sort of medication that Vern has been on (or should be on?!!)
that he may have forgotten to take before coming to the station (and on my
hat)???

We could (but won't) explore the deeper issues of shaky Mopkin
self-discipline, puppet-monkey hybrid-induced genetic insanity, or the
possible existence of some primal, irresistable urge to mate with fuzzy
objects (particularly those resembling a gigantic (and admittedly somewhat
seductive) monkey vulva).

Such contemplation, however, while potentially interesting in an academic
sort of way, would merely serve to distract from the main issue here, which
is...

AAAAHHH!!!    VERN HUMPED MY HEAD!!!    YUCKY!!!

(I have certainly gained some deep appreciation for what Z-monster must've
went through when he was so heinously licked by the All-blighty Monkey last
year -- I sure wouldn't want to trade experiences with him... or would I...
mmmm... no, definitely not...).

Let the record show (as if that would do any good) that while sleazy-sicko
Vern was using the top of my head as his own, personal, sexual rodeo, I,
Zoltan The Avenger, was bravely (nay, heroically) trying -- against steep &
sticky odds -- to do my solemn duty to read a very important story about...
ummmmmm... I don't remember (maybe because I was a bit distracted at the
time by the moaning & gyrating filth-puppet ecstatically singing
"Boner-nanza" directly above me).

...Oh, and as if all that abuse wasn't more than enough for one night, when
I eventually managed to wearily effect a grossly-overdue Vern-dismount from
my hapless, linty-goo-covered superhero hat (with a Mopkin-bite on my
knuckles to show for my efforts), I was "treated" to one of the most
appallingly violent Friendings ever to disgrace the hellowed halls of The
Last Exit for the Humiliated (also unfortunately-but-not-surprisingly caught
on the maddeningly omni-present Camera of Woe, thank you very much, you
Foul-mouthed Sado-voyeuristic Beeotch!!!).  :-P

Man, was I tired when I got home...

(My only consolation was that Vern did manage to "screw himself" to death!
HA!  That was cool...)

-- Z.T.A.

TRAGIC P.S. -- Sadly, as a result of all the horrific humping endured by the
apparently all-too-lovable Fuzzy Hat of Avengement, my faithful head-top
companion has been forced into a regrettably early retirement.  After
stopping at the nearest garment-hospital's emergency room to have the vile
Mopkin-juice scraped from its battered and tender folds, my beloved
Fuzzy-Fedora will now proceed to undergo a series of post-trauma counseling
sessions, starting next week.  I won't compound this unpleasantness any
further by adding that my poor, rodeo-raped buddy, who is emotionally (and,
quite frankly, physically) scarred for life, has now been confirmed to
be...... pregnant.  (And I give you that freak-of-nature Vern-offspring
"Enoch" as reason enough for not wanting to discuss this any further right
now...)

RIGHTEOUSLY VENOMOUS P.P.S. -- To Vern:  While I've hoped all along that
your eventual and irrevocable demise would someday "come" under
far-more-unpleasant-for-you circumstances, I nonetheless fervently pray that
this latest installment (in what has been a ridiculously long string of
disappointing Vern-"deaths") is -- at long last -- the real deal!  For the
sake of all that is decent and denim, STAY DEAD!!!
