April 19, 2002

As for The Last Exit, well that was chaos.  We had Jealous Bitch up for an
interview.  That wasn't chaotic.  I've attached a pic of them and Vern to
this e-mail.  After that though, all hell broke loose, first Zoltan showed
up, and immediately, after barely getting a sentence out, was attacked
viciously by Friend.  Don't even know where he came from, he's been MIA for
quite some time.  Speaking of MIA, no word at all from Timmy this week
regarding the end of the world on May 15th, but we did start off Saturday
morning with a 5.1 earthquake, so maybe that was his commentary for the
week.  Although, maybe it was Nibiru moving closer.  The planets lining up
by the 14th of May can't be a good sign, either.  I decided to give Zoltan
some purpose and have him go build an Ark.  Just in case.  Although if the
disaster is NOT water related, I guess it will be useless.  But it gives
Zoltan something to do, anyways.  He was so enthused that he had Z-Monster
send us all this following e-mail...

*****  FROM THE DESK OF ZOLTAN THE AVENGER:  *****

Invite 'em on board and let God & Satan fight over 'em!

It's not my place to evaluate who (or what) belongs in the post-apocalyptic
world (although I do have my opinions!).  It's a given that I intend to save
myself.  There will ALWAYS be a need for an Avenger!

I owe it to the Metal Gods to make sure that -- come what may (in May) --
surviving the chaos will be a stalwart defender of those who rock most
righteously in the proud tradition of denim, leather, & hair!!!  ...oh, and
boobs!!!  (Can't forget the boobs!)

Since I'm a little unclear about what form this Armageddon business will
take (I'm certainly not learning anything useful from all of Azkath's
"tree-of-strife" & "moving-towards-the-nutsack" malarkey), I figure that
building an ark is about as good a plan as any... so...


ZOLTAN THE AVENGER's COCK-ROCKIN' ARK OF ARMAGEDDON:

If I'm gonna build one ANYWAY, I might as well make it FREAKIN' HUGE!  (BIG
SCHLONG = BIG BOAT!)  I mean, it already has to be capacious enough to hold
an extended cruise's worth of PowerBarsŪ and bottled water (perhaps some
spare trousers, as well), so why stop there?!?!  When Zoltan The Avenger
does something (including screwing up) he does it BIG!!  REALLY BIG!!!

I intend to take advantage of my awesome super-powers and build the
grandest, ass-kickin'est, denim-&-leather-clad,
heavy-metal-mutha-fuckin'-monster ark the world has ever seen!!!  Yes, this
mighty vessel of avengement will be powered by not one... not two... but
FOUR... no -- fuck that! -- EIGHT rip-snortin' GTO engines so that we can
outrun even Satan's own personal speedboat!
Eat my foam, you pitch-fork wieldin' pussy!!!

There will be a built-in, ship-wide, brain-blastin' sound system (powered by
a thousand hamsters and the odd kitty or two) and a big-ass pile of
swords-held-on-high, the-end-of-the-world-is-nigh -type metal CD's (all from
1983, of course) so that we will NEVER HAVE TO STOP THE ROCK!!!  RAHHH!!!

So... COME ONE!  COME ALL!

JOIN THE FIGHT TO PRESERVE THE GLORY OF METAL...
...INTO THE ARMAGEDDON AND BEYOND!!!

Naturally, when I say "all", I mean all who are on the "List of Those to be
Saved".  Even with an ark that will make Noah & Joah Blowah's biblical boat
look like a dorky li'l dinghy, I won't be able to take everyone... sorry!

Heck, it's not like I'd wanna take everyone, anyway!  Yes, I will do my best
to fulfill my armageddonic(?) duty and take enough (uhh, two??) of each
species (including the newest fuzzy hybrids) to allow for the continuation
of all deserving life forms, but beyond that... NO WAY!  I'll need some room
to bang my freakin' head, after all!!!

So, who's on this "List of Those to be Saved" ??  Well, let's see...

Azkath, you and a demon-bitch of your choosing will go as representatives
of, well, Satan's bloodline.

Savvy, as much as I fail to see how saving the Canadians will do anyone any
good, I do admit that you Hosers are basically harmless.  Therefore, I will
be nice and allow you on board (heh-heh... with you and whomever as the
Canuck representatives, well, adios, Canada!!!).  Oh... Savvy will represent
giants, as well (like it matters... same result...).

Foul Mouth Girl... hmmm... I guess you'd better hope that a certain someone
chooses you as his demon-bitch... otherwise... LEARN TO SWIM!  (It would be
a shame, however, to let 14x5's go the way of the dinosaur... oh, well...)

Vern... yuck... what can I say...  I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal with the
whole Kingdom of Lint.  If I let you on board, you'll just end up
"cross-breeding" (to put it politely) with anything & everything fuzzy
and/or furry on the ark -- God only knows what mutants would be getting off
that ark (as a result of getting off on that ark!  ...ewwww...).

I'd be better off taking FuzzNubby & Enoch (who are half-siblings -- both
offspring of malicious Vernal humpitude) and hope that they'd produce
something... ummm... so horribly inbred that... oh... nevermind...  I'll
work out the puppet problems later...

Since I'm not sure of the exact classification of folks like Jeff (Jeffus
Scaffoldius??), Binky, MoMo, Glam-boy, Beastie-pie, Gorgar, Bri Bri, Dog,
Timmy, et. al., I'm not even gonna TRY to figure all that out until I get
some DNA samples...  (Get thee to a clinic, y'all -- pronto!)

As for pure humans... easy!!!  It's gonna be me...... oh, and some lucky,
big-haired, big-boobed, rock-'n'-roll bitch-goddess who's ready to... "board
the ark", if ya know what I mean!  ;-)

THE PLANETS ARE ALIGNING ON THE WESTERN HORIZON!!!

THE END IS NEAR!!!  PREPARE FOR MAY 15th!!!

IF YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE ON "THE LIST", THEN PACK YOUR BAGS!!!
(Bring your own PowerBarsŪ & bottled water!)

IF YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST...
...WELL... THEN YOU'D BEST GRAB A SNORKEL, CUZ IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN!!!

-- Z.T.A., Arkbuilder
______________________________

April 26, 2002

Real quick, not completely sure what's up for either show this weekend.
That, as anyone should know, means nothing because all hell could break
loose at any time.  That being said, our trek towards Armageddon is almost
complete.  We move through the abyss from Chesed to Binah, from the lower
Supernals to the last three upper Supernals.  There may be a surprise for
Vern in the abyss as well.  As for Binah, this will be fun musically...
Binah is the third qabalistic power chakra of the Tree of Life (know by
Zoltan as The Tree of Woe or The Tree of Strife).  The "old woman".  The
Female principle of Darkness.  Also symbolised by Isis.  It is part of the
upper triad of the Qabalah, the only one which lies within human
understanding, hence it is the "mother" and "the creation".  This is the
abode of the High Priestess, Isis.  And like I said, there may be a surprise
in the abyss.  Ok, that's about all for now, we'll see what happens in the
next two nights, oh, and some headlines to watch for in the coming weeks...

The End of the World

When the end of the world arrives how will the media & other sources report
it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE (Featuring: Weapons of Mass
Distraction-Beast & Foul Mouth Girl)

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER!

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING!

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT
THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON"
DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN YOUR NEXT
INCARNATION.

Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE!

The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught: SEMEN OVERBOARD!
Z.T.A.,-ARKBUILDER AND VVV DRIFT AWAY ON INFLATABLE GIRLFRIENDS INTO
ARMAGEDDON AND BEYOND HELP.

The Last Existing for the Metallic Onslaught:Afterwards-May 16, 2001:
ALL THOSE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE SAVED INVITED TO "BIBLICAL BLOWUP DOLL
BASH" IN MEMORY OF DROWNED SEMEN. SEANCE TO FOLLOW(BRING UMBRELLA!) :}

-- Fox News:  "Accidental Armageddon, or Clinton Conspiracy? -- We Report,
You Decide!"

-- Court TV:  "Satan Hires Johnny Cochran:  Does God Stand a Chance?"

-- The Weather Channel:  "Looks like we might be seeing some scattered
showers for the next, ohhh, 3 to 40 days or so..."

-- E! Entertainment:  "Joan Rivers Interviews All the Big Stars on the Red
Carpet to Hell!"

-- The Howard Stern Show:  "So, Satan, you bang a lotta chicks in Hell, or
what?!"

-- The Simpsons:  "Ned Flanders:  'Bye-diddly-eye, you non-believerinos!'
Homer:  'D'OH!!!' "

-- VH-1:  "Behind the Armageddon:  Jesus Christ -- King of the Comeback"

-- MTV:  "The Osbournes:  Just Another Typical Day..."

-- The Ithaca Journal:  "Common Council Votes to Form Committee to Study
Environmental Impact of Armageddon / Passes Resolution Demanding God Use End
of World to Improve Heaven's Diversity"
______________________________________________

May 1, 2002

So, Timmy reared his evil head on The Last Exit once again.  He didn't have
too much to contribute, he was more concerned with tasks he was performing
for Satan, now that Satan has his soul.  He did confirm that the world would
end May 15th, though.  Not certain whether he still believes it will be
because of Nibiru or not.  Regardless, Zoltan is off building an ark...  In
case of flood.  But then, we received this...

...Initial reports seem to indicate that Zoltan the Avenger has been killed
in a bizarre ark building accident.  The accident seems to have involved
kittens and hampsters...

We don't know the status of Zoltan other than that cryptic message.  Maybe
we'll know more this weekend.  We only have two more shows left till the end
of the world.  And the last one will be, yeah, of course, an Armageddon
show.  It will also be an 'End of the World' giveaway show.

And look, the history channel knows what's coming;

11:00 The End of the World. It's not the first millennium we've encountered,
so why do some take an apocalyptic look at this, the second in recorded
Western history? Join us as we take a new look at the old ideas still
hanging around. What ancient prophecies have come true, if any? Should we
expect a rash of self-proclaimed acts of doom?

I honestly don't remember what happened on The Metallic Onslaught this week.
I need to have one of those guys recap, aside from Jeff, oh yeah, I think he
renamed himself Jeffie, each week because I never remember what happens by
the time The Last Exit is over.
___________________________________________________________

May 3, 2002

Yeah, ok, so I forgot a couple of MAJOR things that happened last week on
The Last Exit...  One, Hollywood Bri Bri made a surprise return.  He didn't
do a whole lot, but it was nice having him there, none the less.  He turned
into Mr. Everything Sucks at one point and that was kinda amusing.  The
other this is, that on our travels up the Qabalah, we had to traverse the
abyss inhabited by Choronzon.  A rather evil fellow.  We were able to get by
quite easily by having Vern, well, uh, sacrificed to him.  Vern,
unfortunately survived, but it did leave him rather insane from appearances.
We'll have to wait and see what condition he's in this week...

I have become more and more convinced that Timmy, the Prophet of Doom really
was onto something with the whole end of the world thing.  Although, I think
he may have been mistaken or intenionally deceptive about the cause being
Nibiru.  I think something is going to happen May 15th.  And thus, next
week's show will be our Armageddon Celebration Everything Must Go Giveaway
show.  Not only will we be celebrating Armageddon, but we will be emptying
our giveaways that night.  We should have a nice pile of cool stuff for
everyone.  Then, if the world DOESN'T end, well, we'll just start collecting
stuff again.  And if it does, maybe they'll be an ark.  Have yet to hear any
further details about Zoltan the Avenger as of this time.  Maybe by The Last
Exit we'll know more.  Anyway, I'm not sure what's up for this week's show.
We're a step away from the end, and a step away from the top of the Qabalah.
This week we enter Chokmah, the second power chakra of the qabalistic power
Trinity of The Tree of Life: The male principle of light that goes out to
uncover the "Hidden" Wisdom ("Lux in Tenebris"). It is the zone of the
Magician and Ra.

Oh, and as for Vern, I also have no new news to report.  I assume he's still
insane.  Maybe that's good.  Oddly enough it made him less annoying...

Ok, on The Metallic Onslaught, well, that should be something odd.  First of
all, today, Friday, May 3rd...  It's No Pants Day!  Check it out -
http://knighthoodofbuh.org/nopants/.  I have to assume that Jeff will be
participating, much to the horror of all.  Then again, it won't be the first
time Jeff, or Jeffie as he now prefers, has been in the studio without
pants...  Secondly, Jealous Bitch will be up there as well for an interview.
Hopefully they won't enounter Jeffie.

Oh, and then there is this; http://www.petitiononline.com/twotower/ - Things
like this make me think that maybe the world ending is a very good thing...
You would think that people like this would be too stupid to use a
computer...
_______________________________________________________

May 7, 2002

The attached pic this time is actually from The Ithaca Times.  The April
24th Edition.  What is it?  It is the enquiriing photographer asking people
how they are preparing for the coming apocalypse...  Yup.  It is coming.
May 15th.  I think.  Or at least starting then.  Yeah, that's it.  May 15th,
something will happen.  Even the Salt creek show has their heads on straight
about the whole end of the world thing, as they started their show this week
with a song about Noah building an Ark...

Ok, now we go back The Metallic Onslaught.  Jealous Bitch was up for the
night.  It was interesting with Jeff interjecting into the interview.  As
for The Last Exit, it was mostly quiet, aside from a call from Zoltan the
Avenger to clear up his, um, situation.  It is, I think, said best in his
communication below...  This arrived just before the phone call, I didn't
get to read it till afterwards.  Apparently his 'grievences' were annoying
Satan enough that he let him call up on Satan's personal line to the studio.

***** FROM ZTA's DESK IN... HELL! *****

Hmmmm...... flames all around me...... I'm wearing a Hawaiian shirt (a
rather nifty one, I might add!)...... I recently bumped into Timmy, the
Prophet of Twinkies (also wearing Hawaiian shirt)...... uhhhhhh......

......Yeah, I'd say I'm in hell......

Since I'm kinda new "down"(?) here, and I still have no clue as to the finer
points of navigating the physical universe, don't expect me to Avenge
anything or anyone for quite some time (or, for that matter, to even make an
appearance anywhere just to say "hello!" to my hordes of fans)...

If and when I get this "hell" thing all figured out (I haven't even signed
up for orientation, yet!), I'll be sure to stop by and share all my
wonderful, heartwarming stories about hangin' with the Dark One...

Good luck with the whole "end-of-the-world" thing!  I still maintain that
Azkath's "Tree of Strife" scheme is just a big trouser-load of poop......
And "moving towards the nutsack" is... well... JUST PLAIN WRONG!!!  I mean,
C'MON, PEOPLE -- WAKE UP, ALREADY!!  Mindless sheep!

By the way, sorry about that whole ark-dealie.  Didn't mean to get anyone's
hopes up......  What a retarded idea that was!  PowerBarŪ wrappers & empty
water bottles?!?!  WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!  All the Scotch tape & liquid
soap in the world wasn't going to fix that hopeless mess!  (Thanks, anyway,
Vern...)

Y'know, I have to say that ol' Lucifer was right -- there's no way in, umm,
heck that my ill-advised contraption would've even floated, much less have
been able to carry all the freaky-ass creatures on the "List of Those to Be
Saved".

No big loss, really...  Think about it:  Who in their right mind would want
to start over in a new world that contains... a VERN?!?!  Makes the fiery
pits of Hell sound downright appealing, doesn't it?!

Ahhhhhh... WHATEVER!  At least I'll be spared the supposed upheavals of the
splatajizmic 15th of May.  I can sit and laugh my ASS OFF from afar...
heh-heh-heh... HA-HA-HA... AAAAHH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!!!

...SUCKERS!!!

If I can find some time in my hellacious schedule, I'll try to sit down at
my computer and write my memoirs of Avengement...  (Get this:  The only
choice you have in computers down here is what FLAVOR of iMAC you want!
Anyone surprised??  No??  Didn't think so...  awwww, shut up!!!  SCREW ALL
Y'ALL!!!)  :-P

My first order of business will be to try to piece together exactly what
happened to me in that "ark-building accident" that I've been hearing so
much about.  I have a few vague recollections about the tragic event, but
none of them make any sense to me.

A fair chunk of the memories seem to involve...... well...... several
kitties, a jar of Gulden's spicy brown mustard, and hamsters... LOTS AND
LOTS OF HAMSTERS......  :-0

Yeah... that's about it...  (I'll guess I'll have to work on the memory
thing......  I've got nuthin' but time now, anyway...)

Gotta run...  Unfortunately, it's time to eat...  No PowerBarsŪ or bottled
water in hell...... figures...... stupid hell...  All they have down here is
Big Gay Cookies and diet sodas!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!  (And, NO, despite the
fact that there are tires everywhere, there aren't any tire gauges to be
found... at all... anywhere... (trust me, I'VE LOOKED!)...... shut up......)

Best HELLacious Wishes...

-- Zoltan the Avenger of Hell

P.S. -- Guess what?!  Stryper's down here!!  (...so is Chuck,
unfortunately...)  Later.

I think that about sums it up.  One more show till The End of the World.
Don't miss our Armageddon Celebration.  Here's a brief recap of who is where
now that we near the potential end of everything...

Handy - MIA - Presumed Dead.
Zoltan the Avenger - Dead and in Hell.
Timmy, The Prophet of Doom - Sold his Soul to Satan, off Running Errands for
him.
Vern - Insane.
Chuck - Also apparently in Hell, not known if alive or Dead.
Nonsense Man - MIA - Presumed Dead.
Phil - Out Being Phil.
Friend - Out finding Friends.
Hollywood Bri Bri - New Jersey, sometimes known as Hell.
Foul Mouth Girl - Um, status unchanged.
Myself, The Demon Azkath - Amused that most people don't take this whole end
of the world business seriously...
_____________________________________________________________________

May 11, 2002

All are invited to tune into the most insane, bizarre, twisted, Last Exit
that there EVER has been.  We will have special guests, VERY special guests,
and some not so special guests.  We will have much strangeness.  We will
celebrate the end of the world, which is Wednesday.  Not sure of the
scheduled time.

We have a LARGE amount of giveaways.  The following contributed to the End
of the World Giveaways...

Martyr Music Group
My Records
Mcgathy Metal Promotions
Subcultured Records
Metropolis Records
The Syndicate
Now or Never Records
Spitfire Records
Century Media Records
Shut Up Marie (Band)
Leviathan Records
Atlantic Records
Nuclear Blast Records
Bryan Farish Promotions
Pushmonkey (Band)
Skateboard Marketing

Needless to say, the boxes of stuff will be overflowing with goodness.  And
you have a few days left to enjoy them!!

We also have a pile of new stuff to debut.  That's all for now, tune in and
join the fun.

We will also be completing our Qabalistic Armageddon Ritual this week, by
entering Kether...  The Crown of the Sephir Yetzirah.  Corresponds in
Buddism to Nirvana.  It is the very first of the power chakras of the
Qabalah and is the link to the "outside", the AIN or Void, which is
"Universe B".  It is the ceasing of the seperation that creates phenomenal
existence.  We go there tonight.

* We are not responsible for the World failing to end on Wednesday.  If it
happens that Armageddon does NOT occur, in whole or in part, we will
research and find out what happened in time for next week's show.
_______________________________________________________________________

May 13, 2002

Ok, so the rain here started during the show and pretty much has not let up
since.  Maybe Zoltan was right when he was building the ark.  Everything is
starting to flood...

Our little musical ritual is complete.  If all goes as it should, SOMETHING
should happen Wednesday.  Maybe it will just keep raining...  No sign of
Nibiru, but there is that planetary alignment, which completes, I believe,
tonight...

I don't know what went on at The Metallic Onslaught as I went to see Never
the Sunshine in Tioga.  The band formerly known as Tomorrow's Dream.  For
having not really done much as a band in like 4 years, the put on a good
performance.  Thus, being there, I didn't even get to hear The Metallic
Onslaught.

As for The Last Exit...  Well, what can I say?  It was chaos.  Moreso than I
can ever remember in recent history.  First, before the show, I sicked
Jeffie on Ithaska.  He thinks they liked him.  Then I tossed him out of the
station and we proceeded with The Last Exit.  I dusted off the Wheel of
Satan, for maybe the last time, and pushed the button / aka spun the wheel.
Vern was there.  He was still insane.  The wheel fixed that.  So, since I
had a more sane and unfornately also more annoying Vern (he was actually
sort of funny and not irritating when insane - weird...) I had him give away
boxes of free stuff.  That went well, but it could have gone better.  If by
some chance, the world is still here next week, we will give away what we
have left.  Ok, so then the wheel was spun again, and up came Zoltan the
Avenger, staight from Hell, with his Denim jacket AND Hawiian shirt, and
Fuzzy Hat, and FuzzNubby (Vern's offspring).  Then we had a nifty visit from
Shoebox of The Worm Quartet.  He brought us a Giant Tampon.  Kind of him.
Hmmm...  Then there was some chaos, Friend showed up and, well, Friended
everyone.  In a really strange moment, which is definitely a sign of the end
of the world, Friend put on Zoltan's fuzzy hat, and BECAME Zoltan the
Avenger.  It was bizarre.  And unerving for Zoltan.  Eventually, Timmy the
Prophet of Doom wandered in and it was all complete.  Mayhem was fully
underway.  Eventually Zoltan decided he wanted to leave.  Friend bolted with
FuzzNubby.  I spun the Wheel of Satan for perhaps the last time, and it
disallowed Zoltan back into Hell.  Despite not liking Hell, we was upset.
Probably just because he wasn't allowed to be there anymore.  Satan claimed
his excessive grievences were too much for even him.  ZTA is now stuck
wandering the earth.  At the end, there was a great little sing-a-long and
the end of the Qabalistic Ritual, bringing us to Kether.  And that was it.

As for Shoebox, he brought us some cool stuff, aka two of his older CD's.
Check out his webpage at www.wormquartet.com.  Many of his songs are also
available for download on MP3.com.

I've attached a pic of Shoebox along with Zoltan (with his Hat and
FuzzNubby) and Timmy, the latter two in their Hawiian shirts.  There are
MANY more pics from this night...  Ok, about 10.  For now, you can see them
along with a few other neat ones at our public picture upload area;
http://pub6.bravenet.com/photocenter/album.php?usernum=450982834

Happy Armageddon!!
____________________________________________________________

May 21, 2002

Ok, so I guess the main thing about this weekend is, well, why there was
this last weekend, or for that matter, today, or any day past May 15th since
it was to be Armageddon.  It turns out that Zoltan the Avenger stole the
Keys to the Apocalypse.  I was REALLY disappointed.  He still has them.  He
stopped it's arrival because he knew I was looking forward to it and he's
rather ticked off at me for allowing / encouraging bad things to happen to
him.  On the good side, he did Vacuum Vern - His comments follow...

*****  FROM THE DESK OF ZOLTAN THE AVENGER  *****
REJOICE!  Vern the Lintball......is now where he belongs -- in the belly of
a vacuum cleaner!  HA!

Apocalypse, schmabocalypse!!!
Armageddon, schmarmageddon!!!

What a load of Vern!!!

OK, so I've been locked out of Hell... so freakin' what?!

'Tis better to rule on Earth than to be Satan's butt-puppet!

(...or so I've been told...)

Yeah, yeah, yeah... so I no longer possess the Key to Hell... (actually, I
do, but Satan went and changed the locks on me... bastard...)  DO I LOOK
LIKE I CARE?!?!  --->  :-P    See?  Told ya...

It just so happens that I got exactly what I wanted from the Dark Doofus
himself while I was hangin' in Hell's Acres...

(...and I was only there cuzza some stoopid "incident" involving a
half-assed Ark...... it's all so hazy now...... hamsters 'n' kitties...
PowerBarŪ wrappers... empty water bottles... Gulden's spicy brown
mustard...... <shudder>)

(...and, no, Vern's renegade band of Contra Squirrels had nothing whatsoever
to do with the "Ark incident" or any of this mess!!!  Zoltan The Avenger
disavows all knowledge of this shadowy (albeit cute) band of mercenary,
nut-gathering, thugs!!!)

(...and, once I found myself in the Devil's Domain, there was no way in Hell
that I was gonna stay there -- it was TOO DAMN HOT to wear my Denim Cape of
Avengement!  (...let alone my Furry Hat of Avengement!))

(...and, frankly, that Hellish Hawaiian Shirt was a bit too, well, fruity
for a Super Duper Avenging Hero of Metallic Manliness!!!  NORSK ARYSK BLAK
METAL!  RAHHH!!  (There we go!  Any remaining fruity-shirt residue has been
duly purged from my metallic conscience... ahhhh...))  (BTW, just for the
record, my shirt was better than Timmy's!  So there!!  :-P    )

Anyway...  so what's my point?!  Hmmm...  oh, yeah... as I was saying...

"It just so happens that I got exactly what I wanted from the Dark Doofus
himself while I was hangin' in Hell's Acres"...

That's right, mortals!  I pulled a fast one on that Netherworld Nimrod!
Before he had a chance to send it to his buddy "Azkath, the Apocalypse
Manager", I YOINKED the Devil's only copy of the Key to the Apocalypse (and,
yes, it's stamped "DO NOT COPY") -- and, NO, you ain't gettin' your demonic
little knob-twiddlers on it, Azkath -- EVER!!!  HA!!!  (...oh, but there'll
be plenty of keychain-jingling to torment you... heh-heh-heh...
jingle-jangle-jingle...  :-P    )

Silly Demon... goofy li'l Tree of Strife...  You can move towards Kether
Sutherland's Nutsack till you're blew in the face (heh-heh) -- the world
will end when I'M GOOD 'N' READY!!!  HA-HA-HAAAA!!!

Yes, indeed, Zoltan The Avenger is back!  Stronger than ever!
(With as-yet-undisclosed-nor-even-really-figured-out
Super Duper New-&-Improved Powers of Ultra-Avengement...
...now with Flavor Crystals!!!)

OK... so my track record in the Vern-killing department is a bit on the
sub-par side (can anyone claim that they've done any better?!?!  Didn't
think so... punks...)
But that's all changed now!!!  That miserable little lintball was no match
for the awesome new powers that I picked up at Satan's Super-power Emporium
during my tour of his Nether Regions... umm... wait... no...

Yea, for my Powers of Ultra-Avengement have no bounds -- they are without
equal, they cannot be challenged!  Don't even look at them!!!  I did what
should've been done a long time ago, but only now could I act with the
authority of a bad-ass Super-Hero who's done hard time down below!!!
...uhhhh... I mean... heh-heh... nevermind...

The world can now rejoice!  At long last -- Vern is no more!  ALL HAIL ME!!!
I did what Azkath, Friend, Bri Bri, and so many other losers could never do:
===> de-Vern our mortal world! <===

After all, in the final analysis, who else but the great Zoltan The Avenger
could accomplish the feat of sucking Vern... wait -- lemme finish!
 ...umm -- oops! -- I mean, lemme finish my sentence... SHUT UP! ...ahem...
sucking Vern into a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner!  (...you're all sick!!!)

This is no ordinary Dirt Devil, mind you!  This ain't no K-mart special!
Ohhhh, NO!  This particular model is from -- yep, you guessed it! -- Satan's
Super-power Emporium!  (bonus gift for choosing the Deluxe Super-Power
Enhancement Package!)  It has a special Vern-Proof lintbag, so that he may
forever be trapped where he belongs... in his element...

Ashes to ashes... dust to dust... lint to lint...

R.I.P., Vern the Mopkin!

This time, IT'S FOR REAL!!!  :-P

-- Z.T.A.

P.S. -- Excuse me, I must now go and "sound the 7th trumpet"... if ya know
what I mean...  ;-)
********************

No attempt in the past has killed Vern.  I doubt this did the job.  But it
did 'confine' him, so that's good.  Anyway, I didn't send out a beforehands
e-mail this week because I was rather distraught about the world not ending.

___________________________________________________________________________

May 29, 2002

Jeff DID NOT, I repeat, DID NOT get beaten up this last week at The Metallic
Onslaught.  I don't know what went so wrong. :)

Hollywood Lance / Lance was not present at The Metallic Onslaught.  Instead
he showed up at The Last Exit, along with Tim from Victory Records.  Vern
was still absent, and Zoltan is still claiming final victory over the lousy
pile of lint.  Friend also popped in for a visit.

___________________________________________________________________________

June 3, 2002

For the Metallic Onslaught this last week, well, things were more, shall we
say, back to normal?  Within a few moments of coming onto the air, Jeff was
beaten.  Not once, but twice.  Severely.  It was nice to hear.  All is as it
should be.

As for The Last Exit, Zoltan was MIA, but Vern was present.  Which was odd,
since he somehow managed to escape from the Vacuum that Zoltan put him in a
couple of weeks ago.  He was especially annoying and insisted that he was
never in a vacuum.  Then the Quaker's Wife showed up and ended up being
kidnapped once again by Vern.  We really don't need ANY more Mopkin
offspring, so something must be done.

I would also like to mention that I have started to hear some rumors.
Rumors of a return to the show.  It may happen as soon as this next week.
If it happens, that is.  It is only a rumor.  If it is true, well, Satan
help us...
