Afterwards - July 2, 2002

That was one hell of a weekend.  Zoltan came by.  Ok, we'll get to what happened to him in a moment.
Then Timmy showed up, and at the same time, CHUCK!  Chuck, the guy who
wouldn't leave, who suddenly left, is now back and claiming he's not gonna
leave again.  That was at the same time amusing and distressing.  Oh, yeah,
and Vern was back.  No surprise there.  I think I need to do something to
get rid of him for good.  Killing him doesn't seem to work, so something
else must be devised.  Anyway, we had a mess.  Then some people showed up.
They were thrilled with meeting Zoltan and wanted to be his groupie.  One
Zoltan approved of.  One he did not.  The picture attached is of the one he
did not...  Zoltan has thus written up a list of rules for being a groupie
of his...

Zoltan the Avenger Fan Club Membership Rules:

-- Fans of Zoltan the Avenger are called "groupies".
-- No, I'm not a band.  But I do have groupies.  'cause I SAY SO.
-- Chicks count.  Dudes don't.
-- All groupies must have boobies.
-- Big boobies help.
-- A lot!
-- I can't stress the booby thing enough.  This is crucial.
-- Boobies do NOT include man-tits!
-- I repeat, NO MAN-TITS!!!
-- I can't believe I even have to say "no man-tits!" -- that's just sick!
-- Sorry, Momo.
-- Big, pink, shiny nipples won't get you in, Azkath!
-- Neither will a big, hairy, sweaty belly -- are you kidding me?!  Sheesh!
-- If you're a dude, then speaking to me in a high voice will NOT fool me!
-- What, do you think I'm stupid?  That's just pathetic...
-- Sitting on my lap will NOT allow you to bypass the booby requirement.
-- I should reiterate here that the booby requirement *includes* the
"no-man-tit" clause.
-- So don't try any of your "booby-loophole" crap on me!
-- Don't sit on my lap if you're a dude -- that's *not* cool.
-- And you're wasting both your time and mine!
-- And it's just plain disgusting.
-- Seriously!  Yuck!
-- So, STOP IT, Creepy Guy from last night at the station!
-- Hot Chick from last night -- you're automatically in!
-- Guaranteed!  (Don't tell the Creepy Guy, though...)
-- If you're a dude, and I tell you to go be Vern's groupie, then DO IT!
-- If you're a hot chick with big boobies, then Vern doesn't want you.
-- No, really!  Vern hates big boobs.  Don't even try.  Stay with me!  I
like 'em.
-- When I say that my membership is rising, that's NOT supposed to be a
JOKE!
-- STOP LAUGHING!!!
-- If you're the Quaker's Wife... sorry I didn't save you -- I was kinda
busy.
-- (So feel free to re-apply for membership... please...)
-- ('cause I'm a little short on chicks, still)
-- If your name is "Vern" and you are made of a lint-like material, then you
may not be a Zoltan The Avenger groupie.  Nibbling my ear, while it does
show initiative, will not improve your chances.
-- Vern:  Dude, seriously -- that's sick!   Go away!
-- If you're a hot chick (yes, with big boobs), then you may sit on my lap
anytime -- this helps grow my membership.
-- I said that wasn't a joke, dammit!
-- Dudes will NOT help grow my membership -- no matter how hard they try.
-- I shouldn't have used the word "hard" just now.  Dammit.  Shut up!!
-- This list of rules is subject to change, especially if Chuck tries
something...
-- Which he probably will.

That's it for now.  The rules will no doubt evolve as my membership...
...nevermind...

Ok, so that was from a distressed Zoltan.  He also closed things off with a
song.  If you can call it that...

------------  "JUICE"  ------------
(to the music of "Deuce", by KISS)

(You wanted the best, you got the best!
The hottest superhero in the land -- ZOLTAN!)

(Crowd goes wild... of course...)

(uncertain -- Zoltan's original lyric sheet lost:)

Get up!  And get your hiney over here!
Spread 'em!  And soon you'll feel my fleshy spear.
Baby!  You know you want to screw!  (Do it!)
You know you want to ride my pole!
I'll thrust it to your very soul!
You know why I'm gettin' hard
I've got the juice!

Woman!  I'll push your legs behind your ears.
Baby!  Stop crying all the tears!
Baby!  You know you want to screw!  (Do it!)
You know you want to ride my pole!
I'll thrust it to your very soul!
You know why I'm gettin' hard
I've got the juice!

(Oh, yeah!  Thank you!  Good night!)

I think this was a direct result of his approved groupie.  I don't know for
sure...  But anyway, it was completely insane...

____________________________________________________________________

Afterwards - July 10, 2002

Ok, here's the deal.  Go to the webpage, (http://listen.to/TheLastExit) and
vote for who is going to stay on The Last Exit, Zoltan or Timmy.  The loser
leaves The Last Exit, FOREVER!  There is a profile on each up.  Cast YOUR
vote.  Next week and the week after will be giveaway shows.  I hope.  They
will be Vern's last shows.  Yup.  Whoever loses, leaves WITH VERN!  Which is
the only way I can think of to get rid of him for good.  So someone is going
to be dealing with a lot of Head-Humping.  So, the 20th will be the LAST
show for Vern (yeah!) and either Zoltan or Timmy.  Timmy was absent this
week but has vowed to be there next week to defend his position.

___________________________________________________________________

Beforehands - July 12, 2002

As for The Last Exit, we will be hearing, I think, from both Zoltan and
Timmy.  The loser leaves The Last Exit, and right now, Zoltan is WAY ahead
in the listener poll.  Go vote if you haven't already on the Last Exit
webpage.  Next week will be the last show for one of them, and it WILL be
the last show for Vern, as loser leaves and takes Vern with them.  Someone's
in for a whole hell of a lot of head humpin'...

_________________________________________________________________

Afterwards - July 17, 2002

As for The Last Exit situation...  This week is a HUGE giveaway show.  And
we will be giving away Vern along with boxes of stuff to listeners.  Vern
will be leaving this week with either Zoltan or Timmy, forever.  So listen
to win free stuff, or listen to see who wins the Loser Leaves The Last Exit
Forever contest with Timmy and Zoltan.  As of right now on the webpage, they
are tied at 31 votes a piece.  It looks like I may have to play tie breaker,
and I really don't want to do that, so if you haven't voted, please do.
There are profiles up for both of them as well.  Chuck joined up again this
week, and that just added to the chaos.  Going into the show, Zoltan was
pretty far in the lead, but after he called in and claimed that he didn't
even need to show up to beat Timmy in the poll, Timmy quickly pulled into
the lead.  Chuck removed his pants a number of times during the show, which
was not pleasant, even though he had boxers on, and I did eventually end up
stabbing him with a fork.  Just a normal night, I guess.  So, don't miss
this week, the last appearance of either Zoltan or Timmy, and The Last Exit
for Vern!!  Finally!!

Oh, and there is an interesting Zoltan-ish entry in the guestbook,
supposingly by Timmy.  You judge for yourself...
http://pub6.bravenet.com/guestbook/show.php?usernum=450982834

_________________________________________________________

July 24, 2002

So, the results are in.  The on-line poll tied at 34 votes for both Zoltan
and Timmy.  Thus, I, the host of The Last Exit for the Lost, Seriah Azkath,
have decided, based mostly on entertainment value, that Zoltan wins.  I had
to break the tie, and Zoltan has far more horrible and humiliating things
happen to him than Timmy ever did.  And that’s funny to everyone but Zoltan.
So...  Plus there is also the fact that Timmy regularly fails to show up
when he is supposed to, like this last week.  We will have to MAKE SURE that
Timmy is at the beginning of next week’s show to take Vern away, who has
locked himself in the basement of the station.  He will be gone next week.
Timmy will be taking him away…  And maybe we'll make it a We Love Satan show
to celebrate.  We haven't done one of those in a while...

As for Zoltan's, um, song for the departure of Vern...

"VERN"    (based on Deep Purple's "Burn")

The sign is red, says "on the air,"
past midnight comes the one with hair,
that's linty-gray, rides on a hand,
his name is Vern, and he should be banned!

The station echoes with his sound,
I doubt he weighs more than a pound.
If only we could flush him down,
'cause all we hear... is VERN!

I didn't believe that he would survive,
our attempts to stop his Mopkin jive.
From Hamuman, the Man of Ham,
to Mommy Daddy Ray, and the V-Dogg scam.

The Vernilator, it did not work,
just blew his hair back and made him a jerk.
Instead of dying, he's gone berserk,
and still we hear... VERN!

You know he is a slime,
he makes the women cry.
He's running out of time...

We'd love to see him die,
Satan knows we've tried.
We'd love to see him die...

The room is full, we've gathered here,
past midnight, time to end the fear.
We're all convinced, that Mopkin's damned,
his name is Vern, and he should be banned!

The people say, "We want him dead!"
That never works, let's try instead,
to get him humping Timmy's head,
and we'll be free... of VERN!

-- Z.T.A.

(written 7-14-02, performed 7-21-02)
______________________________________

As for Vern, his incarnation of V-Dogg made it's last appearance, and had
this rap to show for it...

Yeah, don't get rid of Vern
Don't be messing with my peeps
Or I'll bust a cap in yo ass
Every day of every week
Don't talk smack about my crew
Don't disrespect my posse
Or I'll go midevil on yo' ass
Like my man Emerial Leggossi
There's Mommy Daddy Ray, he's one crazy mo-fo
He'll scream until you're ears burst
and the blood begins to flow
And Hanuman, the Man of Ham
Who learned his skills in Vietnam
Fighting for Uncle Sam
And will beat you down
with his Ham-Damn!
But Vern Von Void's the reason we fight
to get up, stand-up, stand up for his rights
The evil Azkath wants him out of sight
and if he don't shut his pie-hole
It's him I will smite - SMITE, SMITE, SMITE

Shizza My Nizza
______________________________________________

Oh, yeah, almost forgot, Vern's incarnation of Hanuman was throwing Ham at
us.  That kinda sucked.  And Zoltan got it on his head and hi was slimed
with ham goo.  That was funny.  It's that kind of stuff happening to him
that allowed him to win...  Ok, enough of that for now, onto other stuff...

______________________________________________________________

Beforehands - July 26, 2002

Here's a little something in memory of Vern - IHumpThings.com.  I'm sure he
and this guy would get along great.  But no more humping for us.  Vern is
gone.  I hope.  Or will be immediately if I have to drag him from the
station and superglue him to Timmy. 