This was a very very special Last Exit For The Lost. It was something that doesn't happen often. Every few years, Christmas Day falls on a Sunday, and this is one of those years. So, yes, that's right, LE fell right on Christmas Day this year! And it was also the 7th pre anniversary count down to the end of the world on December 21st 2012, as it will be kinda hard to have anniversaries to that date after the end of the world, we do it now. Well, we may still be having anniversaries to it somewhere after the world ends, but, who knows where, what plane, dimension, or level, so, we do them now. That blended very nicely with the Christmas show. Those two themes go very well together. Present on this very special night were: Just Joe, Electric Vodka Dude, Rub McGroin, and, two people who had not been there in a very long time... Former co-host from a long time ago, The Quaker, Hollywood Bri Bri (The Evil Shy Guy), and his Quaker wife. Of course, since it was Christmas Day, LE wanted to have all the meaningful traditions and accoutrements to celebrate this holiday. And to be in the spirit of the day, holy, giving, and kind. There was a Christmas tree... But, as it as very wrong to chop down and murder all those poor trees to celebrate a day that's supposed to be all about love and peace, it was not an actual tree. It was a much more festive and less cruel tree... It was made entirely out of barbed wire. Now, isn't that MUCH BETTER!? I'm sure this tradition will catch on really fast now, and, next year, everyone will have that kind of tree instead of killing all those poor trees! I know mine is going to be that kind from now on. Now, of course, a Christmas tree needs a star, and, since Just Joe is a star, (a radio star), a dim one, but one nonetheless, it was decided that he should be hung (Heh heh, heh heh, I said "Hung!") on top of the tree. So, Azkath took Just Joe and put him on top of the tree. This star, resisted however, (funny, I never heard of a star fighting being put on the tree), so it turned into a brawl on the barbed wire, with Just Joe, Azkath, and Electric Vodka Dude participating in it. They did however, finally succeed in getting the star impaled, err, I mean, very nicely placed atop the tree to decorate it. It was lovely! Sooo Christmasy! Then, at The next talk break, Just Joe had become the tree, and the barbed wire was all wrapped around him to decorate him. He looked gorgeous. Then his Hugging Music was played, and Just Joe, all wrapped in barbed wire, ran around the room hugging everyone. Can't you just feel all the love!? Bri Bri proved to be pretty successful in fending off Just Joe's hugs, it took Just Joe a long time to accomplish hugging him, and Rub used a chair as a barrier. They told Just Joe that Bri Bri just LOVES to have people muss up, play with, and pet his hair. So, as a Christmas present to him, Just Joe should do that to him. Just Joe went to do this... Now, in truth, Bri Bri hates this. He chased Just Joe outside, and threw him into a snowman that was out there. Just Joe came back inside covered in snowman. Very Christmasy! Now it was time for the big Christmas pageant. You can't have Christmas without that. Azkath told us the Christmas Story as he had researched it on the Internet. It was an extremely moving rendition of the Christmas Story, and, of course, entirely factual. I don't remember ever hearing that The 3 Wise Men were actually aliens and that the Star Of Bethlehem was a spaceship, but, if it came from the Internet, you know it must be true. See what an educational show LE is! You never knew you could learn while you were having all this fun, did you? The pageant was complete with a manger scene, with, of course, a baby Jesus. But, in the midst of this beautiful holy pageant, a tentacle came up the basement stairs, grabbed the baby Jesus, and carried it off into the basement. Everyone was very distraught at this rather bizarre turn of events. How could they have their Christmas pageant without the baby Jesus!? Just Joe was dispatched with haste to the basement to rescue the baby Jesus. Now, Just Joe has always badly botched up any task he's ever been given to carry out. But hey, this is Christmas, the time for miracles! Well, actually there was a miracle, but more on that in a bit, this was not it. Just Joe getting smart, that is just too big a miracle to ask of even Christmas! Bringing people back from the dead, no problem, sure, but not that. So, Just Joe badly screwed up this assignment too. They had him call upstairs on the phone, so they could follow the progress of the rescue mission. Just Joe said that some kind of tentacled infant stealing octopus like creature had the baby Jesus. They told him to get the baby Jesus back. There was the loud sound of machine gun fire. They asked Just Joe what was going on, that sounded like machine gun fire? Just Joe said that it was. They asked him where he had gotten the gun. Just Joe said that he always carries one on him. Now see, that should illustrate for you just how incredibly stupid Just Joe really is, and why that is way beyond the help of any miracle, even on Christmas... If he always has a machine gun on him, then why has he never thought to use it to fight off the many many many brutal beat downs and killings he has sustained over the years. Or to use it against the monster, and killer spiders that captured him in the basement other times? There was more gunfire. They asked him if he had the baby Jesus back. He said he did. They told him to bring it back upstairs so they could continue the pageant. And Just Joe did bring the baby Jesus back, and it was in many many many pieces. They told Just Joe that he had done a terrible job of rescuing the baby Jesus. They all turned on him, telling him it was all his fault that now they had no baby Jesus, and the pageant, and Christmas, was ruined. Foul Mouth Girl told them they were all being too mean to Just Joe. They told Just Joe that Foul Mouth Girl was going to show him her boobs, and give him a hug. As she was doing this, she also drove a big long knife into Just Joe's chest, killing him. For a minute everyone was extremely happy about this... Until they remembered that this was Christmas, and you just can't have a tragedy like a brutal murder occur on Christmas. However, on Christmas, they had learned from their research, from tragedy can come a miracle, through prayer and faith. It was decided that the way to pray for a Christmas miracle to save Just Joe, would be to play some Stryper. They asked God to bring Just Joe back, and played the Stryper... And, after a few minutes of Stryper, oh miracle of miracles!, lo and behold!, Just Joe was alive again! Alive and fine! Well, not quite fine, still really stupid, but, like I said, some things are just too much for even a Christmas miracle to fix. Just Joe said that while he had been dead, he had spoken with God and hung out with Jesus. He said that Jesus was actually, (as the song says) a cool dude. And he said that God had some messages for all of us. First off, God hates Stryper, Just Joe said that God had said they were to destroy every Stryper album, and never to even think about getting any more, he HATES Stryper! He also said that all manger scenes are completely wrong, and Mary was no Virgin, but confirmed the Wise Men being aliens and the star being a spaceship thing, but we knew that was never in any doubt anyways, as it came from the Internet, and, therefore, is Gospel. But God confirmed it anyways. Just Joe also said that God had also said, and this was really really important, that anime was the coolest thing ever. But, it was immediately understood that Just Joe had made that one up himself and tried to attribute it to God, as Just Joe loves anime. Just Joe said that God said heaven was full of hot naked chicks. Again, see how educational this show is! And we learned still more truths, as Rub then read a long moving story about how Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer really got his red nose. It was a long tale, but what it boils down to is that, shortly after the birth of Jesus, Rudolph saved the baby Jesus's life, was mortally wounded in the nose while doing so, and The baby Jesus touched his nose and restored his life. And ever after, the nose glowed. Isn't that a beautiful story!? Then there was a surprise visit... From Santa. Santa said that he had brought just one present, and it was for Just Joe, as Santa felt sorry for Just Joe, because they were all always being so mean to him. Just Joe opened his gift... And it was a box just full of Shiny Rocks. Everyone told Just Joe they were happy for him, now he had lots and lots of Shinys, and they were all thrilled for him about that. However, by now Just Joe was suspicious of Shinys as he's had so many of them explode on him recently. He is slow, but he does catch on after a while. He said he was going to dispose of the box of Shinys. And, as he was attempting to do that, every one of the Shinys exploded all over Just Joe. He was now COVERED in shiny black stuff. Well, actually, it still fit the Christmas theme, as he looked like he was covered in coal, so he must have been very naughty this year. Santa was very pleased with himself, he said that even Santa likes a practical joke now and then, and besides, he hated Just Joe too. Just Joe dedicated a song to Santa, "Santa Is A Fat Bitch". And then there was another surprise visitor... Satan. He said he had just had to come. What was with all this Christmas music, and celebrating that holiday!? Giving all the glory to God and The baby Jesus!? Why weren't they praising and worshiping Satan!? They said that well, because it was Christmas. Satan said that that was no excuse! Then Just Joe piped up and said that he had some more words from God. He told Satan that God said hi, what's up? And he said that God had also said that Satan had gotten a bad rap over all of these years. And centuries. And millennia. That, actually, God liked Satan. They Asked Satan his opinion of Stryper. Satan said that he loved Stryper, because when kids listen to them, they think they suck so much, that they go out and buy really evil metal music. They asked Satan how he was doing with his TIVO (Satan has claimed for some time now that TIVO was going to help him rule the world, but, for a long time, he didn't realize that you need to plug it in for it to work). Satan said that it was going much better, now that he had plugged it in, and still insisted that it is going to help him take over the world, that there is a button on it for that purpose. So, you might want to look for that button on your own TIVO, and perhaps you can rule the world. So, it was decided that, since it was alright with God, since he liked Satan and all, that for the rest of the show, they would play really evil black metal, Like Cradle Of Filth covering Slayer, Exodus, Exhorder, and so on and so forth. Up until that point, lots of Christmas music had been played throughout the night. Metal Christmas music, and comedy Christmas songs and narrations, yes, but Christmas themed stuff nonetheless. But for the rest of the night it was all a tribute to Satan, evil black metal. The show ended with one more beating and killing of Just Joe, for me, which is the best Christmas present I could ask for! I'm sure the best thing I will receive by far! Thanks guys! Sooo thoughtful, just what I wanted, and so in keeping with the true spirit of Christmas! The feature Artist to end out this very very special Last Exit For The Lost Christmas/7th Pre Anniversary Count Down To The End Of The World Show was Coven. And so that was the big event. It was truly beautiful, moving, and filled with all the things that Christmas is supposed to be about: Kindness, love, peace, holiness, gentleness, and good will.
-Fire Eater Wizard