February 3, 2002 - The Infamous Hat Humping Incident and We Love Satan Show
From Azkath: Ok, that was one hell of a strange show. Anytime we do a We Love Satan show on The Last Exit, it usually is, but I had no way to predict what would have happened. I think the most um, outstanding, strange thing was Vern's sudden affection for Zoltan's furry hat. After that was said and done, and Vern had "screwed himself to death", Zoltan was peacefully reading a story when Friend came shrieking into the studio and carried him around it. It wasn't a good night for Zoltan. And he kept trying to claim that his appearance last week was by an imposter... Anyway, earlier, I received an e-mail from Zoltan...
--- Sunday, February 3, 2002 (aka The Day After) --- --- MEMO FROM THE DESK OF ZOLTAN THE AVENGER --- ------ (technically Z-monster's strawberry iMac): ------
Just when I thought I was finally starting to break my unnatural & unhealthy late-night Last Exit habit...
...a Zoltan-The-Avenger imposter (yes, imposter, dammit!!!) comes along and ruins everything!
As a result of the previous weekend's despicable mockage of my undeniable greatness, I was forced to -- yet again -- defend my superhero honor last night (in the name of all that is denim, i.e., cool). I foolishly assumed that this would be another one of those regular, routine Avengement visits. Weh-heh-hell, I got a lot more than I bargained for... A HAT-LOAD MORE!!!
I can't decide what disturbs me more -- the atrocities themselves, or my deep and sickening suspicion that there exists ample videocamera footage of the brutal mayhem (there always seems to be a camera conveniently available when it's ME who's being attacked! (...a camera, by the way, which was being operated by a rather inappropriately gleeful Foul Mouth Girl)).
So, not only am I now virtually guaranteed to be forced to relive (no doubt repeatedly) the suffering and humiliation of last night, but the entire world will now be afforded puh-lenty of opportunity to share in my torment (...and by "sharing" I mean, of course, laughing their asses off at my expense...).
I'm at a loss to come up with an explanation for why Vern, the Horrifically Horny Mopkin, decided that he was simply so in lust with my formerly-almighty Fuzzy Hat of Avengement that he absolutely HAD to have sex with it...... really, really scary sex...
One might be tempted to chalk it up to some sort of species-specific Mopkinal hormone burst, perhaps triggered by a very unfortunately-timed bout with puppet puberty...
But, then how would one explain his previous impregnation of the Evil Quaker's wife??
No, the Lust Fairy had obviously paid a visit to this depraved lint-bag long before his recent sexcapade upon my head.
Is there some sort of medication that Vern has been on (or should be on?!!) that he may have forgotten to take before coming to the station (and on my hat)???
We could (but won't) explore the deeper issues of shaky Mopkin self-discipline, puppet-monkey hybrid-induced genetic insanity, or the possible existence of some primal, irresistable urge to mate with fuzzy objects (particularly those resembling a gigantic (and admittedly somewhat seductive) monkey vulva).
Such contemplation, however, while potentially interesting in an academic sort of way, would merely serve to distract from the main issue here, which is...
AAAAHHH!!! VERN HUMPED MY HEAD!!! YUCKY!!!
(I have certainly gained some deep appreciation for what Z-monster must've went through when he was so heinously licked by the All-blighty Monkey last year -- I sure wouldn't want to trade experiences with him... or would I... mmmm... no, definitely not...).
Let the record show (as if that would do any good) that while sleazy-sicko Vern was using the top of my head as his own, personal, sexual rodeo, I, Zoltan The Avenger, was bravely (nay, heroically) trying -- against steep & sticky odds -- to do my solemn duty to read a very important story about... ummmmmm... I don't remember (maybe because I was a bit distracted at the time by the moaning & gyrating filth-puppet ecstatically singing "Boner-nanza" directly above me).
...Oh, and as if all that abuse wasn't more than enough for one night, when I eventually managed to wearily effect a grossly-overdue Vern-dismount from my hapless, linty-goo-covered superhero hat (with a Mopkin-bite on my knuckles to show for my efforts), I was "treated" to one of the most appallingly violent Friendings ever to disgrace the hellowed halls of The Last Exit for the Humiliated (also unfortunately-but-not-surprisingly caught on the maddeningly omni-present Camera of Woe, thank you very much, you Foul-mouthed Sado-voyeuristic Beeotch!!!).
Man, was I tired when I got home...
(My only consolation was that Vern did manage to "screw himself" to death! HA! That was cool...)
-- Z.T.A.
TRAGIC P.S. -- Sadly, as a result of all the horrific humping endured by the apparently all-too-lovable Fuzzy Hat of Avengement, my faithful head-top companion has been forced into a regrettably early retirement. After stopping at the nearest garment-hospital's emergency room to have the vile Mopkin-juice scraped from its battered and tender folds, my beloved Fuzzy-Fedora will now proceed to undergo a series of post-trauma counseling sessions, starting next week. I won't compound this unpleasantness any further by adding that my poor, rodeo-raped buddy, who is emotionally (and, quite frankly, physically) scarred for life, has now been confirmed to be...... pregnant. (And I give you that freak-of-nature Vern-offspring "Enoch" as reason enough for not wanting to discuss this any further right now...)
RIGHTEOUSLY VENOMOUS P.P.S. -- To Vern: While I've hoped all along that your eventual and irrevocable demise would someday "come" under far-more-unpleasant-for-you circumstances, I nonetheless fervently pray that this latest installment (in what has been a ridiculously long string of disappointing Vern-"deaths") is -- at long last -- the real deal! For the sake of all that is decent and denim, STAY DEAD!!!
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Ahem. Yeah... So there's Zoltan's perspective. And the video is great. You can see it below, this show's clips starts around the 6 minute mark... I should note that it was the Fear of Pop "In Love" song which featured William Shatner that caused Vern to 'Fall In Love' with Zoltan's hat.
Oh, and yet another testiment to our 'evilness', not only have we blown up Z-Monster's I-Mac, been mentioned in a book by The Anti-Christ, and other such things that I once listed, but I was now informed that entering our chat room caused someone's computer's power supply to die. Of course, I know you're saying, impossible, couldn't of had anything to do with it, but dammit, we're taking credit!
This is one of our favorite nights, as we get to praise He who has inspired so much great music. And he did pay us a visit. EVD, at Nathan's request, Duct taped Randy to a chair. Nathan wanted this because he needed to get even with Randy for the previous night's 'Pantless Santa' dance on The Metallic Onslaught. Randy was nicely decorated. We weren't sure why EVD was taking orders from Nathan, but nevertheless, this worked in our favor. Last year, we summoned Satan into Randy, tickled him, and his head exploded. We got some tasty Satanic jerky out of the deal. We tried to recreate that, but Satan refused to make Randy's head explode. Instead he told Rick to kill Nathan. EVD intervened. We had no idea why. Satan then informed us that in the weeks that EVD had been missing, Nathan had been brainwashing him. Now the spell was broken. EVD grabbed Nathan and dragged him into the performance room, duct taped him to a chair (with Rick's help), and covered him in silly string. Afterwards Nathan managed to get free by throwing himself headfirst at the ground. Luckily Tim was there to slap Dave's disembodied Beard on him, just to make the scene complete. So after all this, I, Azkath, decided to see what lay a year in the future. Now, whenever I send Joe into the future, he sees killer bunnies. This time I sent Randy. One year ahead. Randy saw killer bunnies. He claimed they were eating him. Frustrated, I sent Nathan a year ahead, and he ended up WITH Randy, also being attacked by bunnies. They ran off, and eventually snapped out of it. No idea what is with the bunnies...
It was our Third Anniversary Post Apocalypse Count um, Up, we spent years counting down to The Apocalypse / The End Of The World, the world ended three years ago, so I guess that means that we are now counting up from that. What?! You didn't know that the world ended three years ago?! Oh yeah, we are now living in The Post Apocalypse. I know, it doesn't seem like things have changed much, The Post Apocalypse life seems an awful, and I do mean awful, lot like the sucky world that we were in before the world ended, but it was foretold that the world would end on December 21st, 2012, so it must have come to pass. Present were, Nathan, R.J. from the band Thirteen South, Bi-Coastal Tim, and, Mr. Linda, formerly known as Crappy The Clown, and Peaches And Crime. They told us about that, and updated us on what they've been up to. The music all throughout the night was all about The Apocalypse / The End Of The World, and there was Christmas stuff, too, sometimes combining the two in both songs and skits. There were segments of Movie Time, and TV programs were reviewed as well... And so thus went our Third Anniversary Post Apocalypse / The End Of The World Count Up Celebration. Enjoy this joyous, fun occasion, everyone!!! 
Present were, EVD, Nathan, Justin, Eric, Bi-Coastal Tim, Dylan, and, three fifths of the band Undead Messengers. Both EVD and Eric had had Birthdays, EVD's on December 4th, and Eric on December 11th. Happy Birthday EVD and Eric. When asked where he had been last week, EVD kept insisting he had been here. But Ouija Beard was back, Tim rubbed it a couple times. A Gopro camera was put on Nathan, and he was bashed in the head with a baking sheet. Then Dylan actually wanted to get bashed in the head with it, so he wore the camera, and was clobbered in the head, many times, to no reaction, apparently he is a lot like Eric, he can't be hurt, and seems to like it. Although later her had quite the headache and had to lay down (which then ended up being a game of things on our Dylan - See Pics). A couple of sets of music were played comprised of some of what Azkath felt were from the best releases of the year which is rapidly coming to a close. There were also several sets of Christmas music, metal and comedy songs and sketches. There was a second installment of The World According To Eric, where Eric rambles on about stuff which is representative of no one's views, including Eric's. There were segments of Movie Time. The Old School Hour was at 2:00. And there was A Cover Set.
Present were Nathan and Justin. This was a Tribute To The Past Show, an entire program of older metal of all genres. There were a couple of Connect-A-Sets, one featuring all bands that had some connection to King Diamond, and one featuring all bands with a connection to Metal Church. There was a set of dark, doomy music, one of all female fronted bands from the '80's, and a very heavy set among others. EVD was absent. Azkath thought Nathan might have something to do with that. Nathan wouldn't admit it, so Azkath hypnotized him. First he asked him where EVD was? Nathan said, "In the ground", ominous sounding. Then Azkath told Nathan to go out on the porch, get naked, and do jumping jacks, which Nathan did, then didn't remember why he had done that. There were segments of Movie Time. There was, of course, no Old School Hour, as the whole program was Old School. There was also no Cover Set. There were a couple of Old School metal Christmas songs, as we are drawing near to that, but they were by satanic bands, King Diamond, and, Venom, Christmas Last Exit style...
This program was to celebrate Just Joe's twelfth Anniversary of being here, November 23rd, which had been this past week, Happy Anniversary, Just Joe! Present to help celebrate it were, Just Joe, luckily(!), EVD, Nathan, Rob from the band Thirteen South, and, Vern, who hasn't been here in almost a year and a half, and was Just Joe's first Anniversary surprise in a night that would see several (all that time away hasn't changed Vern a bit, he's still as obnoxious and annoying as ever). Also, The Almighty Monkey was listening and giving his input this night. Just Joe's next surprise was bubble wrap, which he was urged to pop, only when he tried to, he couldn't, because it was the kind that's all connected together so you can't pop them, which is being used more and more often nowadays, I hate it, too! Why do they have to go and take all the fun out of everything!? Everyone loves to pop bubble wrap! Just Joe did make a puppet out of the non poppable bubble wrap, and then he cheered himself up a little by beating on Nathan, which always makes everyone feel better, well, everyone but Nathan, of course. A game of Hide And Go Beat was played. Nathan had never played this before. Nathan had to go hide, and both Just Joe and Vern would have to try and find him, in the dark. If Nathan got found, he lost, if Just Joe and Vern couldn't find him, they lost. And the results on this night were Paddle Or Kiss, whoever lost got spanked with the paddle with a whole lot of thumb tacks in embedded in it, whoever won, would get Hershey's Kisses. Actually, there were three rounds. The first Nathan was found almost immediately, but the second and third, they couldn't find him. So Nathan got spanked once with The Paddle, and got two Kisses, and Just Joe and Vern got one Kiss each, and two spanks with The Paddle. A Russian Roulette set was played. Just Joe was asked to pick if he wanted bullet or no bullet. He picked no bullet. If a bullet played, Nathan, Vern, and, Rob would all My Crotch Your Face Just Joe. If no bullet played, then Just Joe would get to hear "The Final Countdown" in it's entirety, and Europe's version, not a cover. There was a bit of confusion for a minute when the question was posed what if that song played, as it did three weeks ago, when Just Joe was not here. At first it was said that, in that case, Just Joe would get to hear it, then that was quickly corrected to no he wouldn't, because that would then mean that the song would become the bullet, not the prize, and would therefore have to be stopped, and Just Joe would get My Crotch Your Faced. See, you thought this was a silly, simple game, on the contrary, as you can see, it can become quite complicated. So the computer picked from thirteen thousand nine hundred and fifty songs, and it would get even more complicated, because, a song played that half the people present said was a bullet, and the other half said it was not. So it was decided that both things would happen, Europe's "The Final Countdown" would be played... While Just Joe was getting a three person My Crotch Your Face. It was a very disturbing My Crotch Your Face, with a lot of spinning involved. When it was over, they asked Just Joe if he enjoyed finally getting to hear one of his favorite songs? But Just Joe seemed too traumatized for some odd reason to really answer, just kept whimpering. And, I think we may have cured him of wanting to hear that song, because, for the rest of the night, whenever anyone sang the opening notes to it, Just Joe would start to twitch, obviously that song now has too bad memories connected to it for him to like it. Which is amusing to watch, so now we may actually be seeing the ban on that song lifted, and we may actually hear it a bit. There was a lot of reminiscing, everyone giving their most memorable Just Joe moments from the last twelve years, of which there are A LOT. A LOT. In this reminiscing, The Giant Hammer came up. Nathan had brought a brand new Mac tablet with him. They had him lie down holding it, and then Just Joe bashed it with The Giant Hammer 'til it was beyond repair. Nathan was whining that he had just paid two hundred dollars for that. Well, then you shouldn't have been stupid enough to bring it here. Anyone should know who has been here more than once, and Nathan has been here way more than that, if you have anything you value, don't bring it here, because it will be destroyed, or, if it will fit, wind up down someone's pants, and you won't ever want to touch it again. Vern said that he had been away way too long, and now realized how much he missed being here, he said that he was never going to leave again. Azkath told him that they were now going to play a game, Vern would go hide, and everyone would try to find him. Vern hid, and nobody made the slightest move to go look for him the rest of the night, so he'll be waiting quite a long while. It was an all vinyl Old School Hour, as it has been for the last couple of weeks. There was A Cover Set. There were segments of Movie Time, and TV Programs, and on-line Shows were talked about as well. And so thus went Just Joe's Twelfth Anniversary Show, it has certainly been a very eventful twelve years! And so, once again, A VERY HAPPY TWELFTH ANNIVERSARY, TO JUST JOE!!!!! You have certainly made the last twelve years interesting, and entertaining!!!
Present were, EVD, Nathan, Justin (Or, Twelve Inch, his new nickname, which he acquired last week), and, Aaron. The band Born In Blood was there in the first portion of the program. They performed five songs live in The Performance Room. It sounded awesome, shout out to Nathan for that. They are only a three piece band, but they made a lot of noise. They are cool, you can find them on 
Present were, EVD, Nathan, Justin, who was sick and didn't sound well at all, Justin, The Person Formerly Known As Crappy The Clown, who, this night, actually was Crappy The Clown, and, the band Undead Messengers. Undead Messengers performed a long set of a lot of songs live in The Performance Room. They rocked, and it sounded awesome, as Nathan despite being a Bronie, is a great sound person. The Old School Hour was a little earlier than 2:00, because the band would be performing then. This week, for The Old School Hour, and also later in the night, Azkath had brought in a lot of vinyl records, which were played, and everyone there told how they first got into metal. There was a Connect-A-Set, with all songs that involved members of the band Fields Of The Nephilum, in other projects. There was no Cover Set this night, just one cover of an Ozzy Osborne song. There were segments of Movie Time. Azkath discussed a book that he had just read...