March 20, 2005 - Vern Returns

LEA member of Lotus Project was there. No, not David. Of course not David, you really didn't think the worst excuse for a co-host ever actually showed up did you!? No, it was Pat, the guitarist. Just Joe was also there, and was on time this week. The Penguin was also there briefly. But, unfortunately for her, not briefly enough to escape being thrown in the snow again by Just Joe and having Just Joe put snow down her pants. Poor Penguin! Well, the snow should be gone soon Penguin (even in central NY). And, on this night, she would not be alone. No that was the first of a long night of many people going into the snow many times, but more on that in a bit. She also got her ass smacked a lot. Now I'm sure you will all recall that, after all the build up, and all the weeks of waiting, this was the week that the combined Wheel Of Satan / Keys To The Apocalypse's count down would run out, and we would finally find out if we would have an Armageddon. Now, I said in last weeks recap that we might get an Armageddon, or that, perhaps, it might go back to playing The Teletubbies, which, of course, would be a much worse fate than an Armageddon... So, now the big moment was almost upon us, and all waited with bated breath to see what would occur... The thing had been brought up from the basement, which meant that the echoing distorted reality was back. But not for too long, as the thing only had some seconds to go on it's count down, which everyone counted down together... And then two horrible things happened... The thing did go back to playing The Teletubbies, which Just Joe was thrilled about, but that's just because he's an idiot. For the rest of us... Now how could anything possibly be more horrible than that? But, as if that wasn't bad and evil enough, there was something else. Vern!!! Yes, the mopkin was baaaaack! Well, first off, Azkath ordered Just Joe to kick the wheel (which Just Joe kept refusing to do, as he wanted it to go on playing The Teletubbies) to try to make all this terribleness go away. It did get kicked eventually, by Vern, and the Teletubbies went away. However, unfortunately, Vern's being there did not. Apparently, the wheel was not what had brought him there after all. He said that he had came back because he had heard that they were going to have The Wheel Of Satan, and that he wanted to be there for that. That plus it was his show, and it had sucked so badly in his absence, that he couldn't stay away any longer. (he sounds a lot like Jeffie in these delusional regards). Now, from here on out, there are a lot of twists and turns in what went on... I am not sure even my memory can keep track of all of them, and just how many times things went back and forth, but I will do my best to summarize, but this one's going to be a work out. Ok, here we go, let's see... Vern picked up where he had left off, as annoying and obnoxious as ever, insulting everyone. He started insulting Just Joe, and Just Joe killed him! Yes, that's right, Just Joe did what many had tried and failed to do quite easily. It's not known how he does these things (he was also the one, you will recall, who finally got rid of Friend, after many had tried and failed at that), but, somehow, he does. He killed the puppet, which meant that The Eternal Void (whom Vern had taken complete control over a long time ago) was back. The Void thought Just Joe was the greatest ever for freeing him and became his number one fan, fawning all over him and praising everything he did. Actually, everyone for once thought Just Joe was pretty neat, as he had gotten rid of the puppet. Just Joe tossed the puppet corpse in the snow. Then it was suggested that Just Joe throw his new number one fan in the snow. He did, and this lead to some extremely chaotic and disturbing events taking place in the snow. An orgy in the snow involving Just Joe and his new fan. Azkath told Just Joe that he could actually pick a song for his good work throwing people in the snow, and for getting rid of Vern. And, surprisingly, Just Joe did not pick Elf. He picked Dick Delicious And The Tasty Testicles doing "Masturbating For A Better Tomorrow", which he sent out to Lance. Then, somehow, Vern was back, probably because the Void and Vern were together again in the snow. For awhile... Then there was more snow activity. And the puppet was dead again. Azkath Told Just Joe to throw his fan in the snow again. The Void suggested that he and Just Joe throw Azkath in the snow. Azkath said that there was now going to be a bloody snow orgy... The three of them went out into the snow. When they all were back inside... Weeelllll... There was some dispute as to just what had gone on and who had won, and who had lost... Just Joe and his fan were gloating, saying that they had won. Azkath said that he did not exactly lose and described some of the things he had done to them, DDT-ing them and such. Then they pointed out that they had put snow down his pants. He had to concede that that was true. But, then said that actually Just Joe had done him a favor, as it was hot inside and now he had a well, a built in cooler I guess you could say. He thanked Just Joe and told him he was pretty cool. (ha, unintended pun there!) Then Vern was back, for awhile... Azkath told Just Joe that for a reward, he was going to play The Dave Mathews Band... Just Joe was thrilled, and Vern was furious, saying it would ruin "his" show. He stormed off and threw himself in the snow. Then Azkath told Just Joe that he was not going to play Dave Mathews. Then The Void was back, but now he was acting more like Vern, saying it was his show and being obnoxious, since he had now saved himself from Vern. Then It was decided that as FMG was the only person who had not gone into the snow that night (well, all except for Pat, he never did), that this should change. She protested and resisted, but Just Joe and Azkath teamed up and threw her in the snow. Azkath told Just Joe that they made a good team, and thanked him again. Then Vern And The Void were both there arguing with each other over who was the greatest. It was said that Just Joe was better than both of them. Then, at the end of the night, it was Vern again and worse than ever. He attacked Azkath and was humping his head (a fate that the late Zoltan, among others, had the misfortune of experiencing). Just Joe said that, if humping was going on, then he wanted to be part of it... And apparently Just Joe started humping Vern. Vern screamed that he hates humping, (which was quite a shock for everyone to hear!), and ran away, so, Azkath thanked Just Joe yet again. And thus went a disturbing chaotic very, very snow filled night. No Armageddon, Teletubbies, Nothing much from the wheel, Vern, and a lot of praise for Just Joe, and, lots and lots of snow. Very weird upside down night. 

- Fire Eater Wizard