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August 21, 2016 - Surprise No Pants Day!

Surprise!

Present were, EVD, Nathan, Dylan, Tim, Eric, Just Joe, Justin aka Twelve Inch, Randy from The Metallic Onslaught, Sloth, and, Chuck. Chuck arrived, saying that there was something dark and ominous on it's way. And, he was right, because soon, Just Joe, Sloth and, Randy arrived, and, they all seemed to think that it was No Pants  Day. or, maybe, More pants Day, because, Just Joe had on a few pairs of pants, but went to just his underwear, Iron man underwear, at that! There was a lot of disturbing molesting going on. Azkath threatened to quit a couple of times, but didn't get to, because there were too many half naked men blocking his way. Azkath hit Randy really hard, and, Mandy emerged! Mandy was still looking to become a mom, and, once again, she set her sights on Nathan! This Mandy has appalling taste in men. Nathan screamed in horror, and tried desperately to escape, but, other people prevented that. Mandy said she wanted twins now. She had her way with poor Nathan, but, it didn't take very long. However, to Nathan, I'm sure it took an eternity! Nathan was severely traumatized, all he would say was, "Mommy. Mommy.". When Randy was back, he was also very disturbed that Mandy had made another appearance. He had no idea how that had happened. No one was more disturbed than Nathan, who I'm sure will never get over this. Randy said he was leaving, as did Sloth, and, Nathan. Finally, Azkath got Just Joe to put more pants on. Just Joe wanted every day to be No Pants Day, which everyone voiced strong objections to. We spotlighted musically first the year 1987, and then the year 1988. There were, songs, metal and comedy ones, and readings inspired by and about H.P. Lovecraft, as it would have been his Birthday if he were still alive. Azkath told Just Joe about a web site, www.ratemypoo.com, which was on a list of web sites no one should ever go to. Which, of course, Just Joe immediately did. However, it kept sounding like rapemypoo.com, which is what I first thought he said as well, which, as bad as the first way sounds, that's even worse! So everyone had fun looking for that site, it doesn't exist, but, I'm sure it probably will now, someone I'm sure got an idea. 

- Fire Eater Wizard

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Randy (MetalWulf)

RandyOften are said the words, "Poor Randy." Randy is a regular co-host of The Metallic Onslaught who visits the Last Exit now and again, especially on certain shows. Bad things have a tendency to happen to him, but he comes back for more... He has died during We Love Satan shows, often gets possessed by Satan, has horrified us during the No Pants Day show, has been mummified for his 50th birthday, and much more. Randy has very diverse taste in Metal. At one point he also believed himself to be a Werewolf...

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January 17, 2016 - Randy's 50th Birthday!

Randy's BirthdaySo this was Randy's 50th birthday, and I wanted to make it extra special for him. So I invited Sloth, Big Dave, and Just Joe, and boy was it special. Randy got lapdances from Dave and Sloth and Motorboated by Sloth, yet he didn't seem to like that as much as I expected. Sloth proclaimed that he wanted to wear Dave's Beard. Well, once he saw Dave's beard (which we ripped off about a year and half ago with duct tape), he changed his mind. Never have seen the Sloth so NOT want to do something...  He got it later though, while giving Randy a lapdance, I (Azkath) slipped up behind them and strapped it on Sloth's face. For some reason Sloth drugged Dave, and took him away. We have no idea why or what he did with him. Then came time for the mummification, since Randy was now old enough to be a mummy. Since we had no cloth, EVD took out his duct tape and went to work. Once Randy was mummified, hands to his side, we sat him down and I thrust Just at him crotch first. For some reason, Randy did not enjoy this game of crotch to face, so we tried with with Sloth. Still, no, Randy claimed to not be enjoying himself. Hard to please some people I guess. Ah, well, enjoy the show and videos...

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July 19, 2015 - Undead Messengers and The Metallic Onslaught

LEThe first part of the program, about an hour and a half, was prerecorded, because everyone was attending the The Last Exit For The Lost Presents Show. When the live portion started, present were, EVD, Nathan, Rick and Randy from "The Metallic Onslaught", and the band Undead Messengers, who had been one of the bands performing at the above mentioned Show. Azkath played a song that Nathan had composed and recorded with a couple of friends, and he, Nathan, said it was for EVD. It was entitled "Metal Sex". It was, um, interesting... When asked how he felt after hearing it, EVD had one word, "Violated!". Azkath said he had something for Randy since he chose to smoke that night at the Haunt show... It was a brand new baking sheet, which he proceeded to bash Randy in the head with, repeatedly, 'til the baking sheet was pretty much destroyed. During one of the talk breaks, Azkath said he could hear Europe's "The Final Countdown" playing, and he couldn't figure out why, as that song is banned on LE, in this studio, at least. EVD said that he couldn't hear it, but Randy could, and so could I. Azkath had even created a computer virus to destroy that song on all of the computers, including other people's, like Tim's. Then they realized that Nathan was not around. Nathan was the culprit, and he found it highly amusing. He said it had been so worth it. He had found an untouched copy and had crawled beneath the board and plugged his phone into the jack for the background music. He got beaten senseless, totally knocked out cold, by Azkath, Rick wanted to participate in the beat down, too, but it was feared that this would kill the young, ninety five pound Bronie, which we don't want to do because he is fun to pick on. Later Azkath told Nathan not to look in a mirror, saying that apparently he had misunderstood, when he thought that EVD was a good hair stylist and barber. Well, ya know, mad scientist, hair dresser, those two things are easily confused. They told him everything would be fine, as long as he didn't look into a mirror. Undead Messengers updated us on the goings on with their band, and their plans. At 3:30, The cover set. There were segments of Movie Time. The last hour was The Old School Hour...

- Fire Eater Wizard

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May 3, 2015 - No Pants Day

No Pants DayThis was a very special Program, it was the first ever Official No Pants Day Show on The Last Exit. Usually No Pants Day is celebrated every year, going back years, on "The Metallic Onslaught", but, in their new accommodations, they currently don't have the room, or the mics, to hold it there, but that is being worked on, so this may well be the only No Pants Day LE, actually, No Pants Day is on the first Friday in May, which this year was right on the first, when MO broadcasts, but, of course, as LE does not air on Fridays, we called it No Pants Day Weekend this year. And, as Satan is miffed that Randy and Just Joe keep not showing up on our We Love Satan Shows, this LE was also a We Love Satan Show, for part of it, so Satan could possess either Just Joe, or Randy. Present for this very special LE were, Arydaea, EVD, Just Joe, Olivia, Tim, and, Jon (and his Girlfriend Robyn), from the band Undead Messengers, Randy and his brother BILL!!!, Bronie Nathan, who had brought along a Bronie friend of his, Aaron (aka Shreddy), Azriel, Tracy, Creepy Cousin Ted, . Everyone participated in No Pants Day, including me, except the host. The Wheel Of Doom had everyone's name present on it, people would spin it, and, who ever's name it landed on, would have to take their pants off. For most of them, that meant they were in their underwear, mostly boxers, but, Just Joe and EVD did special, in more ways than one, things, Just Joe came out, again, in more ways than one, in a little black skirt, and took Tracy, who's name had just come up on The Wheel, and, Aaron into the other room and gave them lap dances. Their screams could be heard, well, Tracy was mostly laughing. EVD came out in a toga, he got upset with his "girlfriend", Jon, of Undead Messengers, because he said that he was supposed to be wearing one, too, that they were supposed to do that together, so EVD told Jon they were through. Now, Randy was not allowed to participate in No Pants Day, his name was not on The Wheel, because of the horrible, disturbing things he has done for No Pants Day in the past, which you can check out on our YouTube, but don't if you are easily traumatized. But, when Satan showed up, he possessed Randy, and then wanted to spin The Wheel, and of course he was told he could, it was his portion of The Show, after all. But, when he spun it, the only name on it was Randy's, to everyone's great distress. Satan departed, and Randy, only now it was Mandy, looking even more hideous and disturbing than she had last year, and no one would have thought that that could be possible, arrived. She was wearing edible underwear, and she was still going on about her biological clock ticking and wanting a baby. She had demonstrated to us last year her horrible taste in men, when she had the hots for Just Joe, had molested him, seriously traumatizing him, and, a year hadn't improved her taste in men any, because the first thing she did was throw herself at Just Joe, and then she proceeded to throw herself at almost every other man there, chasing them around and molesting them. When she got to EVD, he started strangling her, so Mandy said she didn't like him anymore. Mandy did manage to corner Nathan in a soundbooth at one point, though... Azkath decided that the only way to get rid of Mandy, was to bring back something that was still really bad, but anything was better than Mandy. He had the two Bronies bring back Bronie Randy, by showing him cute little ponies, letting him pet them and stroke them and such. It worked, Bronie Randy emerged, and was shocked to find out how he looked. By now everyone was pants less, but Just Joe wanted to spin The Wheel again. When he did, the only name on it was Jeffie, Just Joe wanted his buddy Jeffie there for No Pants Day, they always celebrated that together on MO, and Jeffie was the one who had started Celebrating it there, with more disastrous results for everyone else every year. Now Jeffie is not allowed on LE, Azkath refuses to have him there. But Just Joe insisted, saying that The Wheel had spoken. So Azkath said that he quit then, and left. Jeffie arrived, wearing a Santa hat, and with his love boxers, which he said he had been wearing for two days, they smelled really bad. He kept putting them on people, rubbing them on them. As Azkath was gone, Jeffie and Just Joe thought they could do something else which is banned on LE, play Europe's "The Final Countdown", but every time Jeffie tried to play it on the computer, it would play a few notes, stop, and "Nope" was said, he tried several times but that kept happening, Azkath must have anticipated that Just Joe would try to get around that ban again, and put some kind of lock on it. Finally Jeffie found a version of it that would play, but it was a cover, a very evil sounding one by Libach. Just Joe was not happy with Jeffie. Then Jeffie played the new song from Nelson, which I loved, even better than their old stuff, but Just Joe did not. He became angry with his good friend, and they got into a slap fight. Randy tried to get Jeffie to eat Mandy's edible underwear, saying it was candy, but for once, Jeffie was smart enough not to fall for that, he must be getting a bit smarter. Just Joe and Jeffie's fight progressed outside, and Just Joe knocked Jeffie over the porch railing by hitting him in the head, most likely killing him, but, if he did, I'm sure he will come back, he always does, we never get that lucky. Just Joe found Azkath and begged him to come back, saying he had gotten rid of Jeffie. Azkath wanted an apology, and got it. He said they were all good now, but he would punish Just Joe for bringing Jeffie later, more on that in a bit. Azkath had Just Joe take Tracy and Nathan into The Performance Room, and seat them in chairs. Then he played Porno Joe's theme music, so they were treated to the full experience that that is, stripping, lap dances, lots of rubbing and molesting, their screams could be heard. Once Just Joe's porn music stops, he never has any memory of what he has just done, and has absolutely no idea why he is naked, on top of people, and why they are so traumatized. Azkath asked Just Joe why he had been absent for three weeks? Just Joe said that he had been on a cruise, to Bermuda. When asked where in Bermuda, he said The Triangle, but then, when he started describing his experiences there, he described the two obscure, disturbing movies he had watched the last time he was here, "Let My Puppets Come", and, "Eaten Alive". He couldn't seem to remember what he had done on his cruise. So Azkath said he would help him with that, and that was the punishment I spoke of before. He hypnotized Just Joe, but not to find out about his cruise... He told him to really concentrate on how Randy had looked as Mandy, especially on his/her crotch area, to focus on that really well, and that he would remember that feeling for quite a while, then he brought him out of it. Just Joe started crying, which grew into sobbing, which turned into screaming. He found some comfort in stroking Azriel's beard, but was still very traumatized. Azriel brought some music with him, a rough version of a song from his new band, and a song from a band he's working with, doing their art work. Both were played, they were cool. Also, a live track of Undead Messengers's was played, it rocked. Of course, during the We Love Satan portion of the program, all Satanic music was played. There was a segment of Movie Time. The last hour was The Old School Hour... And thus went our first ever, and probably last ever, No Pants Day Weekend Show. It was a night full of chaos, mayhem, and very disturbing, traumatizing events. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put some pants back on, it's getting a bit chilly here in only my underwear... 
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September 12, 2010 - Wulfie Invasion

WulfieAt the beginning of the program there was a ton of people there. EVD and Dave were there seeming once again to cast doubt on the theory that they are the same person. Tim was there, and he had brought with him his friend Steve again, so it was Steve's second time there. EVD was asked if he had broken Just Joe out of rehab where he had been put to cure his I-dosing addiction. EVD said that he had gone to the rehab, but Just Joe was not there. That mystery was very soon to be solved, because just then arrived Wulfie and his brother BBBIIIIIILLLLL!!! (You have to say the name BBBIIIIILLLL!!! like that, which is why Azkath insisted he now be known as Ed), from The Metallic Onslaught. They had with them a bound and gagged Just Joe. Wulfie arrived with his werewolf mask on, but soon took it off, saying of course he was not a werewolf. Wulfie said he and BBBIIIIILLLLL!!! err, Ed were going to hold Just Joe hostage until Azkath did something about Jeffie. Azkath told Wulfie he thought he had something he would like to put an end to this problem, he would do something he would normally never do, but just for him he would, he would play Bon Jovi, as Jeffie had told him how much Wulfie liked Bon Jovi. Wulfie said Jeffie was a liar. Wulfie demanded that Azkath make Jeffie stupid, even more stupid than he already was, like really, really stupid, so that Jeffie would believe that Wulfie was really a werewolf. They had them un-gag Just Joe (and they ripped duct tape off his whole head, tearing out a lot of hair doing that), and Just Joe said that he thought he could accomplish this, he would I-dose Jeffie to be really stupid. Everyone seemed satisfied with this solution, and they charged Just Joe with that task. Just Joe started freaking out when Wulfie and Azkath started talking about Shoggoths, so Azkath played his Hugging Music to calm him down. Just Joe hugged everyone, and EVD duct taped Just Joe Dave and Shane (more on Shane in a second) together. in all the chaos that ensued there was a big man pile, and Dave did an unspeakable thing to Shane, involving Dave's butt landing on Shane in an area well let's just say that scarred Shane for life, especially when a certain gas issued forth from Dave. Shane had arrived saying that he had finally brought the proof he had been dispatched to obtain several weeks ago. He presented a large file of proof. However, although there was a lot of proof for a lot of things they had not asked him to look into, like The Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Sasquatch, which was all very interesting and fascinating, but it was not what they had asked him to prove. For what they had sent him to prove, that EVD and Dave were the same person, well, on that he had brought nothing. Well, Shane is grown from Just Joe's severed hand, so, how bright could he really be. If Just Joe usually screws up anything he's tasked with how can we really expect much more from his hand. However, Azkath gave Shane another mission to try. To go get stilts, because, in a few weeks, they were going to send Just Joe out on stilts and get people's reactions. Shane said he could get stilts and ran off immediately to do so presumably. It was EVD's 5th anniversary on September 11th, which was the Saturday that ended as this LE began at midnight. Happy Anniversary, EVD! For his anniversary Azkath gave EVD lots of Styrofoam and let him beat on everyone with it. Just Joe took some of the broken Styrofoam and put it down his pants, and then started throwing it at people. There was more slapping this week. Shane was told to slap Just Joe 'til he cried. It only took about two or three to accomplish this. Well, Just Joe had had a pretty trying night, what with being held hostage, having the skin and hair being ripped off his whole head when they un-duct taped him, being traumatized with all the talk of shoggoths, and being beaten down with Styrofoam. Then Shane was told to slap EVD 'til he cried. That took a lot more, and needed several pokes in the eye to get something that could be called a tear. There was three segments of Movie Time, which EVD (who had actually seen something, and, could actually remember what it was), Tim, and Steve participated in as well.
-Fire Eater Wizard
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October 3, 2010 - Wicked Ithaca Aftermath

MontageIn the first portion of the program there were a ton of people there. Three bands, Pandora's Toybox, The Lobster Quadrille, and Psyche Corporation, all of whom had performed at Wicked Ithaca prior to being on LE, Gorgar, Little Gorgar, Adam, The Enforcer, Dave, and, Rick, Wulfie, and Wulfie's brother BILL!, the last three from The Metallic Onslaught. The bands were interviewed, first Pandora's Toybox, and then The Lobster Quadrille, both of which were first timers here, and they only were able to stay for the first couple of hours. Both bands's music was played, a couple of tracks each. They rock. Morte has another band called Sorrowseed, which can be found at www.sorrowseed.com. A song of whose was also played, which also rocked. Psyche Corporation, which is Psyche Chimère, who has been on LE many times, was there for the whole program. Her music was played as well, www.psychecorporation.com is her website. She is cool. After the first two mentioned bands had departed, they sent Just Joe, all covered in Saran Rap in his attempt to make himself look invisible, out to have Wulfie, in his wolf mask, chase him through town. BILL! went with them, and streamed it on his Android phone to the LE website so the listeners could view it live. Someone accused Just Joe of being on pot, and someone else kept asking him for pot, with a cop right nearby, a sample of the brilliant humanity out there. They recounted there adventures when they returned. Tribute to the Past Russian Roulette was played. There are now ten thousand nine hundred eighty nine songs on the computer. If a bullet played, Rick, Wulfie, and BILL!, would each get to break a record over Just Joe's head. If no bullet, Just Joe would get to break a record over Rick's, Wulfie's, and BILL!'s heads. A bullet, the band XYZ. Just Joe got records broken over his head by Rick, Wulfie, BILL!, and Azkath smashed one over Wulfie's head for saying a bad word on the air on accident. Just Joe was knocked out for a bit, but he soon recovered. They decided to hypnotize Wulfie and send him into the future, to a week after the end of the world, to December 30th, 2012, to see if he saw the same thing Just Joe had seen when they did that to him a long time ago. Just Joe had seen, he said, bunnies, lots and lots of bunnies, the land was covered with them, but there was something different about the bunnies, they were frightening, and Just Joe still gets traumatized when it's mentioned to him, especially when they tell him they were probably shoggoths. Wulfie was sent to the future, and they asked him to tell them what he saw. He did see the bunnies, and shoggoths, he said the shoggoths were eating the bunnies. Then he said that, upon closer inspection, there was something wrong about those bunnies. Yes, there was something very not alright about them, he said it was bad, very bad, so bad in fact, that he couldn't say it, so, it was unspeakable. He was brought back. But, before Azkath brought him out of the hypnotic state, he told him that, although he would not remember hearing this, now, every time he heard the word metal, he would be allergic to wolves. And, when Wulfie was out of his trance, they started saying the word metal a lot, using it to describe a lot of the songs they were playing, as in "this is very metal", or "this isn't nearly as metal as I thought it would be". And, indeed, every time they uttered the word metal, Wulfie would start sneezing a lot. So, since Wulfie calls himself The Metal Wulf, now he won't be able to say or hear his name without violently sneezing, and he won't have any idea why, unless he reads this, of course, or listens to LE again. There started to be an Adventures In Listening, but the first song up was SOOOOO bad, sounding almost like a country song, not a metal (sorry Wulfie) song at all, that it actually was the first song ever to break the rule of Adventures In Listening, that, no matter how much it sucked, it would be let play all the way through, but no one could bear to hear this one all the way through, so, for the first time ever in this segment, the song, and the segment, was halted. There was two segments of Movie time, with Wulfie, Rick, BILL! , and Psyche Chimère participating. Rick, Wulfie,BILL!, and Psyche Chimère stayed for the whole program, though BILL! fell asleep about halfway through the night... 
-Fire Eater Wizard
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November 7, 2010 - Tribute to the Past Russian Roulette Show

Recap by The Metal Wulf; (FEW Recap at end of Post) Alright, folks, you'd better all enjoy this one, because it's probably the only recap I'll be writing for The Last Exit For The Lost. So, how did this come about? What circumstances drove me to defect from The Metallic Onslaught for what would end up being only one night? Glad ya asked!

So, there was this sinister force in the universe known as Jeffie. Jeffie was a clone of the Last Exit's host, who we all know as the Demon Azkath.  (Well, more specifically, Jeffie was a clone of Jeff the Radio Guy, who in turn is a clone of Azkath, but hey, no sense in getting overly technical here...) On the last edition of The Metallic Onslaught, which was our Halloween show, Jeffie showed up as Pepe. Now, as the night wore on, Pepe decided I should wear his outfit, throwing his itchy poncho on me, and his sombrero, and also shoved his maracas in my hands. Hey, I did my best to play along, just go with it, try to have fun, yada, yada, yada... But then he had to go and chloroform me... This particular indignity was bad enough, but what came next was too much for this Wulf to take. The Onslaught's host, Joe Wyatt, suggested that Jeffie revive me by doing CPR, not knowing that I was slowly reviving on my own. But, Jeffie went with it anyway, and decided to give me mouth-to-mouth, clearly not knowing that tongue should NEVER be involved with the process. Suffice to say, Jeffie could probably have told you what the contents of my stomach were that night...

So, it was a a hard decision, but in the end I figured that it couldn't possibly be any worse going to Ithaca and joining up with Azkath's crew. As I understood it, Jeffie was never allowed on their show, so I would be free of him, once and for all! Now, I should mention that Rick from the Onslaught was also on hand this night, I think in the hopes of getting me to reconsider my move. But, my mind was made up!

And really, I'd thought I'd picked a good night to make my official debut! This was one of their Tribute To The Past Russian Roulette shows, which features nothing but older music The Russian Roulette portion comes from Azkath playing random selections of music. A "bullet" in this variation is actually in the form of a certain category of song, whether it's something that's been overplayed on mainstream radio, or something really cheesy, or a cover version. Those are a few examples anyway. When a bullet plays, someone gets to pick a little slip of paper out of a bag, and what's written on the paper dictates what comes next. The person who drew the slip chooses somebody ("victim"is a good choice of words, here...) to be the subject of whatever's written on the slip. Example: Shane became the subject of record breaking. Literally, having vinyl record albums broken over his head! Other bullets resulted in a few of the guys being piled into the rest room, which was full (and I do mean FULL!) of balloons, not to mention EVD taking a shot to the head with a DVD player (courtesy of me!). If you're a regular listener, I'm sure you know of what I am speaking! Actually, it was a great deal of fun until a bullet with Jeffie's name on it was drawn... Now, this meant that somebody had to actually call Jeffie to come onto the Last Exit, where he is normally forbidden. I mean, really, of all nights! What the HELL? Azkath suspected this particular bullet has been snuck into the bag by Just Joe. But rules are rules, so, against the wishes of nearly everybody there (except Just Joe), Jeffie arrived. It was a short visit, I must say... I think I may have let out a war cry of sorts, as I picked up my liter size bottle of Mountain Dew, and a sharp fragment of record album that just happened to be within reach. What happened next is probably far too gory for words, as I proceeded to bludgeon and slice Jeffie into a virtually unrecognizable lump of red goo in the hallway. Sloth, no stranger to The Last Exit, summed up part of the carnage, describing my ripping Jeffie in half after grabbing hold of each of his butt cheeks. Now, I really must have been in a blind rage, 'cuz I really don't quite remember that part... Anyhoo, what was left of Jeffie was probably far more shocking than the time I killed and ate all his llamas. Just Joe was highly displeased (okay, more like ENRAGED) at returning to find his friends' remains strewn about the hallway, and I think Azkath was a little put-out with me as well. He even went so far as to say that he wasn't making any more Jeffie's to send to the Onslaught. Now, Rick and I both agreed that the Onslaught would be perfectly fine with that, but Azkath seems to think that without Jeffie, we're only going to end up turning on each other. Actually, this was kind of a non-issue at first, since I'd still planned on staying true to my defection. At least, up until I became the subject of a bullet... Just Joe had drawn this particular slip, which simply said "Porno Joe". He didn't seem familiar with this particular action, but made me the target anyway. Azkath assured Joe that he'd remember soon enough, and began playing some really bad Seventies porn music. Next thing I knew, Joe was stripping his shirt off and giving me a lamp dance, bouncing his hairy monkey-like physique on my knees, rubbing my head. I think unrestrained panic would be a good way to describe my reaction. It took my beating him with a computer keyboard to get him off of me, and I quickly made a run for the door, screaming for Rick to get me out of there! Of course, once it was all over, Just Joe didn't remember a thing and I was emotionally scarred, quite possibly for life. They'd gotten me calmed down sufficiently, but I'd already changed my mind about my decision. I was gettin' out of there and returning to the Onslaught!

Hey, if nothing else, we don't have to worry about that annoying Jeffie anymore!
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