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February 3, 2002 - The Infamous Hat Humping Incident and We Love Satan Show

Zoltan After Hat Humping

From Azkath: Ok, that was one hell of a strange show. Anytime we do a We Love Satan show on The Last Exit, it usually is, but I had no way to predict what would have happened. I think the most um, outstanding, strange thing was Vern's sudden affection for Zoltan's furry hat. After that was said and done, and Vern had "screwed himself to death", Zoltan was peacefully reading a story when Friend came shrieking into the studio and carried him around it. It wasn't a good night for Zoltan. And he kept trying to claim that his appearance last week was by an imposter... Anyway, earlier, I received an e-mail from Zoltan...

--- Sunday, February 3, 2002 (aka The Day After) --- --- MEMO FROM THE DESK OF ZOLTAN THE AVENGER --- ------ (technically Z-monster's strawberry iMac): ------

Just when I thought I was finally starting to break my unnatural & unhealthy late-night Last Exit habit...

...a Zoltan-The-Avenger imposter (yes, imposter, dammit!!!) comes along and ruins everything!

As a result of the previous weekend's despicable mockage of my undeniable greatness, I was forced to -- yet again -- defend my superhero honor last night (in the name of all that is denim, i.e., cool). I foolishly assumed that this would be another one of those regular, routine Avengement visits. Weh-heh-hell, I got a lot more than I bargained for... A HAT-LOAD MORE!!!

I can't decide what disturbs me more -- the atrocities themselves, or my deep and sickening suspicion that there exists ample videocamera footage of the brutal mayhem (there always seems to be a camera conveniently available when it's ME who's being attacked! (...a camera, by the way, which was being operated by a rather inappropriately gleeful Foul Mouth Girl)).

So, not only am I now virtually guaranteed to be forced to relive (no doubt repeatedly) the suffering and humiliation of last night, but the entire world will now be afforded puh-lenty of opportunity to share in my torment (...and by "sharing" I mean, of course, laughing their asses off at my expense...).

I'm at a loss to come up with an explanation for why Vern, the Horrifically Horny Mopkin, decided that he was simply so in lust with my formerly-almighty Fuzzy Hat of Avengement that he absolutely HAD to have sex with it...... really, really scary sex...

One might be tempted to chalk it up to some sort of species-specific Mopkinal hormone burst, perhaps triggered by a very unfortunately-timed bout with puppet puberty...

But, then how would one explain his previous impregnation of the Evil Quaker's wife??

No, the Lust Fairy had obviously paid a visit to this depraved lint-bag long before his recent sexcapade upon my head.

Is there some sort of medication that Vern has been on (or should be on?!!) that he may have forgotten to take before coming to the station (and on my hat)???

We could (but won't) explore the deeper issues of shaky Mopkin self-discipline, puppet-monkey hybrid-induced genetic insanity, or the possible existence of some primal, irresistable urge to mate with fuzzy objects (particularly those resembling a gigantic (and admittedly somewhat seductive) monkey vulva).

Such contemplation, however, while potentially interesting in an academic sort of way, would merely serve to distract from the main issue here, which is...

AAAAHHH!!! VERN HUMPED MY HEAD!!! YUCKY!!!

(I have certainly gained some deep appreciation for what Z-monster must've went through when he was so heinously licked by the All-blighty Monkey last year -- I sure wouldn't want to trade experiences with him... or would I... mmmm... no, definitely not...).

Let the record show (as if that would do any good) that while sleazy-sicko Vern was using the top of my head as his own, personal, sexual rodeo, I, Zoltan The Avenger, was bravely (nay, heroically) trying -- against steep & sticky odds -- to do my solemn duty to read a very important story about... ummmmmm... I don't remember (maybe because I was a bit distracted at the time by the moaning & gyrating filth-puppet ecstatically singing "Boner-nanza" directly above me).

...Oh, and as if all that abuse wasn't more than enough for one night, when I eventually managed to wearily effect a grossly-overdue Vern-dismount from my hapless, linty-goo-covered superhero hat (with a Mopkin-bite on my knuckles to show for my efforts), I was "treated" to one of the most appallingly violent Friendings ever to disgrace the hellowed halls of The Last Exit for the Humiliated (also unfortunately-but-not-surprisingly caught on the maddeningly omni-present Camera of Woe, thank you very much, you Foul-mouthed Sado-voyeuristic Beeotch!!!).

Man, was I tired when I got home...

(My only consolation was that Vern did manage to "screw himself" to death! HA! That was cool...)

-- Z.T.A.

TRAGIC P.S. -- Sadly, as a result of all the horrific humping endured by the apparently all-too-lovable Fuzzy Hat of Avengement, my faithful head-top companion has been forced into a regrettably early retirement. After stopping at the nearest garment-hospital's emergency room to have the vile Mopkin-juice scraped from its battered and tender folds, my beloved Fuzzy-Fedora will now proceed to undergo a series of post-trauma counseling sessions, starting next week. I won't compound this unpleasantness any further by adding that my poor, rodeo-raped buddy, who is emotionally (and, quite frankly, physically) scarred for life, has now been confirmed to be...... pregnant. (And I give you that freak-of-nature Vern-offspring "Enoch" as reason enough for not wanting to discuss this any further right now...)

RIGHTEOUSLY VENOMOUS P.P.S. -- To Vern: While I've hoped all along that your eventual and irrevocable demise would someday "come" under far-more-unpleasant-for-you circumstances, I nonetheless fervently pray that this latest installment (in what has been a ridiculously long string of disappointing Vern-"deaths") is -- at long last -- the real deal! For the sake of all that is decent and denim, STAY DEAD!!!
****************************************************

Ahem. Yeah... So there's Zoltan's perspective. And the video is great. You can see it below, this show's clips starts around the 6 minute mark... I should note that it was the Fear of Pop "In Love" song which featured William Shatner that caused Vern to 'Fall In Love' with Zoltan's hat.

Oh, and yet another testiment to our 'evilness', not only have we blown up Z-Monster's I-Mac, been mentioned in a book by The Anti-Christ, and other such things that I once listed, but I was now informed that entering our chat room caused someone's computer's power supply to die. Of course, I know you're saying, impossible, couldn't of had anything to do with it, but dammit, we're taking credit!

 

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Playlist

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: February 3, 2002
(R) = Requested

Background: Chaos as Shelter "Illusion"

Grim Reaper "Rock You to Hell"
Sinergy "Suicide By My Side"
Mercyful Fate "Come to the Sabbath"
Abyssos "Wherever the Witches Might Fly"
Samsas Traum "Fur Immer"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "Satan and Bunnies"
Crypt Kicker "Everything Suffering"
Remembering Never "Paving the Way to Hell One Stone at a Time"
Carnal Forge "A World All Soaked in Blood"
Exhorder "The Law"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "Chuck Jones of the Flat Earth Society"
Black Label Socity "Bleed for Me"
Mental Horror "Screams of Tiamat"
Exodus "Bonded by Blood - Live"
Belfhegor "Drowned in Excrements"
Archon Infaustus "The Whorehouse Coven"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "Cthuhlu and the Satanic Debate"
Fear of Pop "In Love - Featuring William Shatner"
Dark Moor "Maid of Orleans"
Thickliquid "Evil Zach"
Nine Inch Nails "Gave Up - Live"
The Electric Hellfire Club "Shout at the Devil"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "Clown Discrimination"
Punch Drunk Monkeys "Donuts" (R)
Pungent Stench "Diary of a Nurse"
Five Pointe O "The Infinity"
Proscriptor "Witch Wife"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "The Debate Continues..."
Superdude "Monster Mosh Rock"
Indestroy "Dead Girls (Don't Say No)"
Pretty Boy Floyd "Rock 'n Roll (is Gonna Set the World on Fire) ('99 Version)"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "The Teletubbies"
Soul Embraced "My Name is Legion"
Virgin Black "Drink the Midnight Hymn"
Foetus "Dead Christian"
Arcturus "Master of Disguise (Phantom FX remix w/gangstafications by S.C.N.)
Wumpscut "Down Where We Belong"
Flesh Field "The Plague"
Skinny Puppy "Rivers"
Odes of Ecstasy "Vampire Hunters"
Sinergy "Shadow Island"
Anton LaVey "If You Were the Only Girl in the World"
Callenish Circle "Suffer My Disbelief"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "The World is Flat"
Goo Goo Dolls "Don't Fear the Reaper"
The Best of The Last Exit for the Lost: Volume 8 "The End of Chuck"
Setherial "Shadows of the Throne"
Thy Infernal "Armageddon"
Limbonic Art "Through Gleans of Death"
Venom "Welcome to Hell"
Sear Bliss "God Man"
Sinergy "Gimme Gimme Gimme"

Feature Album: King Diamond "Abigail II - The Revenge"

 

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